When I finally got away from my office to visit Ensay around 8pm, my heart was very heavy to see him struggle so much with the side effects from starting on Cyclosporin. I could see his quiet inner strength working over time to manage the huge discomfort inside of him -- nauseating plus stomach pains. We got to chat a little and watched LA Lakers struggling along in one of their playoff games. His second dose of Cyclosporin arrived and just watching him swallow those ginormous pills made my stomach to react a little!
After watching some more basketball and food channel (really mostly observing how he is coping with his discomforts) he vomited which relieved some of his discomforts but I could still sense turmoil inside. As I was sitting next to him he reached out and held my hand and so I grabbed his in return with a strong grip then I also brought my other hand over to grab his hand together to let him know that I was there with him. After a few minutes he, in almost a whispering voice, said to me, "Go home." He was looking out for me because his sisters were at home by themselves. If that weren't the case, I would have sat next to him all night holding on to his hand ... praying for him and letting him know how much I love him as my proud son; but I had to peel myself out of that room back home.
As I was holding his hand and praying in the darkened room, my mind flashed back about 10 years when my little boy's soft and cushiony hand would hold onto mine with a strong grip especially when he is scared. I would hold his hand tightly back to give him assurance that I am with him and won't leave him. This is a privilege God gave to all fathers and the sensation of that bonding between father and child is one of a kind in this universe. It has been a few years, though, since we had such a moment as my son grew into a young man, taller and stronger than me. However, tonight, God allowed us to re-connect in a very special way despite the miserable condition Ensay had to fight through. I am so grateful for His being with us and assuring us that He is in full control with a mighty grip on us in the current situation. In fact, this is the essence of His love displayed on the Cross for us symbolizing that His hand is stretched out to us so that when we reach out and grab His hand He won't let us go no matter what happens.
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