e@cyclosporin: Days 144-185 -- Not Running on Empty

As we had just celebrated the Thanksgiving Day, I could not help but to remember my gratefulness toward all of you who supported us along this year's journey through the challenges.  I was also very shameful for not being diligent about blogging here with updates.  I am sorry.

My "engineer" inside me could not resist but plot the progression of Ensay's platelet counts just from early June and as I watched that graph, I said to myself: I have never plotted a more beautiful graph than this one! Neither has any other graph moved me more than this one because there was a concrete sign of God's miraculous work bringing Ensay's platelet counts from practically nothing to almost 120,000.  Please join me in praising our Creator and Provider in Heaven.

Ensay has been a super champ as he had always been to stay strong both physically and mentally through it all despite his inability to determine which way the curve will turn.  We are continuing to PRAY for his complete recovery from severe aplastic anemia even though we still have some ways to go on this journey.  We are also PRAYING that  God would pack in His special dose of grace into Ensay's heart to comfort and encourage him to stay strong.  He's been doing well with his class works, and helping out with his school's water polo team to manage the score board systems at the home games very judiciously.  He plays football with his friends on weekends and also goes to the gym often (and enjoys watching the TV while he's there :-).

As I was reflecting on the daily devotional reading of Matthew 25:9 -- ‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’ -- it dawned on me that what God deposited into our lives to use for His purpose will eventually run out and we need to use the resources wisely to completely fulfill the purpose He's given us to accomplish here on earth.  Disease like aplastic anemia can deplete the resources rapidly, but our own unwise decisions can do likewise.  As the graph above displays what God is depositing into Ensay's body to carry out His purposes, He is doing the same into all of our lives -- so we can live out the dreams He placed into our hearts without running out of oil.  Our prayer to all of our friends supporting us is that God's wisdom will lead and guide you with hope and bright future.

e@cyclosporin: Days 117-143 -- Fulfilling the Good Promise

It has been too long since I last wrote because my life lacked enough margin for me to post updates here.  Ensay goes in to do his blood count every other week and for last month and a half his platelet count has plateaued around 95,000 to 98,000.  While this is nothing to complain about (in fact, we were thankful for his sustaining), the level of anxiety nevertheless rose during this period.  However, last week's CBC result broke a significant milestone by passing the 100K mark of 107,000!

Ensay's been great at adjusting to the new school year even though he does feel fatigues here and there.  He's also been faithfully serving as the score keeper at the home water polo games.  I wish he were playing on the team, also, but I am sure that he wishes for that more than I do.

With Hannah busily preparing for the college application, etc. and my work for last 3 months consuming most of my time our home seems to have gotten all tangled up in a hurricane.  I am trying my best to keep my bearing straight to stay on course but it has been quite challenging  and I will have make some major adjustments in the short run until things stabilize.

In recent devotional reading of Jeremiah 29:10-11 (NIV) -- This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -- is full of hope and God's promise that will not fall short.  Even though the seventy years is not a short time, God will certainly bring forth His promises in His due time to restore, prosper with a bright future.  As I shared above, the momentary hesitation of Ensay's platelet count raised some anxiety but this passage of hope and future in God's plan definitely paved a new and fresh perspective for me to climb out of the rut.

I would like to thank you for persistently praying for Ensay's health and recovery.  We surely feel every strands of prayer lifted up through You all.

e@cyclosporin: Days 101-116 -- Both Transparent and Reflective

This week's CBC results continue to show Ensay's counts increasing in the right direction.  His platelet counts increased about half of what we've been seeing but his neutrophil (immune system) increased significantly.  As we anxiously wait for these CBC results every other week, we find our emotions fluctuating with the numbers we find out.  We are definitely grateful for the overall increasing of the counts but as fragile as our minds are we need to re-anchor our faith in His healing rather than mere medical treatment or how well Ensay takes care of his own health.  Perhaps it's also our impatience of wishing for Ensay's condition to recover quicker that what we're seeing.

The first two weeks of Ensay's junior year has been going well.  He decided to take a break from the water polo team this season so he may slowly ramp up getting his body back into shape.  I'm sure he was bummed out for not being part of the team, but I am PRAYING that this would be another defining moment in his life preparing for him to face challenges down the road to be a stronger person.

Last week's devotional reading on Ezekiel 1:28 -- As the appearance of the rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the appearance of the surrounding radiance. Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell on my face and heard a voice speaking.-- God's colorful hope and His glory was highlighted as the rainbow glitters in the backdrop of a gray clouds on a rainy day.  Many times the gray clouds alone bring gloomy feeling but when the sunlight hits the water molecules in front the clouds full spectrum of colors bursts out and transforms into a brighter atmosphere in a hurry.  As I think about how water molecules in the sky reflects the color spectrum I am also reminded that they can serve two purposes: 1) reflect the colorful rainbow from the sunlight, and 2) transparently let the sunlight through so that we can see the objects around us.

I am not alluding to the fact that we're not happy with Ensay's path to recovery -- we are very grateful -- but because of our fragile minds we cannot help but at times to focus on the gray-ness of our situations.  However, this passage reminded me to know that the circumstances of our lives however dark it may seem can be transformed when God's light shines on it to bring forth His colorful glory reflecting off our lives.  Our PRAYER as walk through this journey of our family is for God's glory to be reflected in the midst of His healing power in Ensay's life.  Additionally, we also PRAY that God's light of hope will shine through us as we become more transparent by minimizing our own fears and plans, yielding to His gracious plans for us.

e@cyclosporin: Days 92-100 -- Faith through Process

Last Tuesday's CBC results continue to show increase.  Platelets reached 94,000 and hemoglobin is almost in the normal range at 12,000.  We're praying everyday and God is showing His grace every visit through the sustaining of His healing power.  We have nothing more than be thankful to Him for registering all of your prayers and funneling it down to Ensay's body to display His mighty response.  Ensay has also started his 11th grade last Thursday and it's really great to see his high spirit and physically in a significantly stronger situation than a few months ago towards the end of last year.  The doctor also gave him an OK to play water polo (although he should gradually increase the intensity of his involvement) so even though he had not made up his mind yet on joining the school's water polo team, he is ready to get involved in other regular sports.  What a night and day difference it is from just a few months back when many things were uncertain.  On Thursday morning I had another chance to engrave a moment which will stay with me life long:  Ensay once again put on his backpack, wore his helmet and drove off to school on his bike.  As such a scene plain as that becomes so precious is because at one point I wasn't sure if such a plain scene would ever enter into my life again.  So, really nothing is just plain in life; and "taking nothing for granted and counting our blessings" has been a theme around this family.

The other day when mom was giving a ride, Renee shared a very insightful thought.  She said that when Ensay's health situation deteriorated it was difficult for her and the whole family to cope with the situation.  However as time went on she realized that our ultimate purpose is to glorify God's name in the midst of our circumstances and that changed her perspective significantly.  In many ways, in addition to Ensay's health God's healing for our family appeared in other ways such as healing of our souls from the discouragements and fear to hope and joy of glorifying God.

This week's reading of  John 17:15 (NIV) -- My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. -- hints on the similar perspective where Jesus is not asking for His disciples to avoid the challenges of this world all together but for them to live through them under God's protection.  He prayed for the faith to grow in the process because it does not grow by short-cutting to the "finish."  In light of this passage, my PRAYER for Ensay and the rest of our family is to have our faith increased through this process and in the end, will glorify God's wonderful name.

e@cyclosporin: Days 88-91 -- I AM the Resurrection

As I participate as a chaperone in our church's high school summer retreat near Santa Rosa, CA I am enjoying the time with my Sunday School 11th grader men as well as with all of my own children in this campground where tall and lean redwoods soar into the sunny an clear sky.

Ensay's regular checkups are now every other week so there is no update from the doctors this week but being here with him is a huge report for you. Just a few weeks ago Ensay's coming to places like these was a huge question mark.  He is doing well here and it's really good to see him mingle with his friends at this retreat.  Seems like this is another major milestone for his recovery path and truly give praise to God who has allowed us to reach this point.  Words cannot express the feeling of being here.

This week's reading from John 11:25,26 -- Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?"  These are words Jesus spoke to Mary and Martha after their beloved brother, Lazarus, had died several days ago right before Jesus raises him from the dead.  It wasn't too long ago when our minds were filled with questions without any answers and as we clung on to His words just like these to acknowledge His personality of being the resurrection and the life Himself, He has granted amazing outcomes through His restoration of Ensay's health.

Watching Ensay gradually getting back into his normal activities is a true testimony of this passage of Jesus' covenant for us.

e@cyclosporin: Days 79-87 -- Standing Up

Even though Ensay's immune system is still weak enough to contract viruses or bacteria much more readily, he has been extending his scope of activities more and more.  This week he volunteered as a scorekeeper at a local water polo tournament hosted at his high school pool for about eight hours straight.  He's been going to the gym more regularly (although not sure if he goes there to exercise or to watch the Olympics events on cable TV! :-).  Watching his mental strength growing beyond sustaining make me very proud of him.  He has been studying for the classes he's been making up from last school year and currently studying for a final exam coming up next Monday.  And as mentioned, he will be going on his High School youth group's retreat most of next week.  I PRAY that it will be a sweet time of encountering God there.

This week's CBC results show that his platelet counts went up another 10,000 to 86,000.  That is power of your prayers at work.  Other indicators all look good as well, and most of all, he has been feeling very well.  Now the doctor ordered CBC every other week.  We praise God for lightening all of our burdens (and our feeble worries) as we witness the gradual progress in Ensay's condition.

This week's devotional reading on 2 Peter 3:10 (NASB) -- But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, in which the heavens will pass away with a roar and the elements will be destroyed with intense heat, and the earth and its works will be burned up. -- reminded me of the 9/11 crisis of the Twin Towers in NYC.  As you well know, after the sky scraping Twin Towers crumbled down in flames and ashes, the rescue workers carefully comb through the rubble and to their surprise this piece of destroyed steel beam in form of a "cross" was discovered.  (If you like to read more about the background, please read this article from Washington Post. And here are other images of this cross.)  This cross has become one of the icon for this terrible act of terrorism that we will not forget and it will be placed in the 9/11 museum.  There are many angles to this cross but for me, based on 2 Peter 3:10, in light of God's eternal presence everything we treasure in this world will be nothing more than any element burning up in intense fire; and just like how in the midst of such a disastrous environment something of a value or something that stops us to reflect on life while blanketing our hearts with some comfort, peace, and hope, The Cross Jesus died on 2,000 years ago provides us with the same message -- that will be the only one standing up through the time and all sorts of ups and downs in human history.

To this Cross which stands forever I PRAY for our family's purpose be aligned, then yielded.  And to stay on this path for each member of our family to carry out the purpose-driven life, I ASK God's miraculous power, strength, and healing (especially for Ensay) to rest upon Kimfamily.org.  Thank You, God, for allowing us to taste a glimpse of Your power right in our family in and through the community of loving friends and saints.

e@cyclosporin: Days 74-78 -- Healer of Time

When what we take for granted all of a sudden feels thankful for, you know your life has taken a significant turn.  Because of low platelet counts Ensay could not visit the dentist's office until last week when he finally got the green light from his doctor to have his scaling done.  When's the last time you were grateful for getting your regular scaling done? or being able to ride a bicycle?  He finally got the OK from the doctors to ride his new bike that was collecting dust for last four months and that is just awesome.  Yesterday's CBC results showed his platelet counts up to 73,000 so we're still on the overall up-slope incline and I am happy to share that other counts are also stable or increasing.

Ensay will be attending his High School Youth group's summer retreat in a couple of weeks at a location about two hours from home.  Just about a month ago we weren't sure if he was able to go this far away from his doctor but now he is registered to attend.  I PRAY that he would have a safe trip, one where he will also experience God.

Yesterday's reading of 2 Kings 20:6 (NIV) -- I will add fifteen years to your life. And I will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria. I will defend this city for my sake and for the sake of my servant David.'" -- reminded me that no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to add (or take away) time. And yet, God has added fifteen years to King Hezekiah's life. It is truly in God that we would maximize the time we have in this world. Once we all come into this world, we all leave this place at certain point. So, it is not how long we live but how fully we live that matters most. God has, without a doubt, taught us this lesson during this time of embracing the situation at the Kimfamily.org and we're grateful in the midst of challenging circumstances.

In another passage from yesterday, 1 Peter 2:24 (NASB) -- He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. -- the eternal healing Jesus provided for us through the wounds He bore highlighted how Jesus went beyond the timeline we live in this world. He died and then lived again. As we have been praying for Ensay's healing God has revealed to us more than how He is capable of bringing physical healing but also how He has healed all of us by extending our physically limited life here on earth into eternity; and that's what we will rejoice over in addition to Ensay's improvements. In that eternity, I know that I will unite again with my father and my sister who had gone ahead of me as well as with my beloved family members once I join them because we all bought into what the Healer of Time has provided for us.

WOW Report: Last Saturday, when I walked in to my usual haircut place, I met another Brother in Christ serving in one of the church council in the Korean-speaking ministry (I belong to the English-speaking ministry). Because I had just joined the council recently, I was still learning the other members' names so I did not even memorized this person's full name. As we were both waiting for our turns we chatted a little and he first asked how my son was doing because he and the rest of the council members had been praying for him. I gave him the good report, and then after he got his haircut he left. About ten minutes later just before my turn came, he walked back into the place and then handed me a bag and said, "I got some (Korean) pastries for your son. Please take'em to him." I was speechless at first and thanked him. Ensay was very grateful and enjoyed them very much (as well as other family members!).

e@cyclosporin: Days 67-73 -- Source of Stability

The most recent blood count from yesterday showed great improvement in platelets. While 63,000 is still way below the normal range, it has doubled from last week and that's something to celebrate for sure. Other counts increased also and the doctors are very happy with Ensay's body responding to the treatment. As I mentioned before, though, we're not out of the woods yet because at the current levels, he is still vulnerable to virus infections and still needs to restrict from vigorous exercising and sports which he loves to play. I am PRAYING that he would be able to join the water polo team this fall.

About a month ago, when Ensay had some minor hemorrhages, he had developed a small blurry spot in his vision. Last week, the eye doctor examined his retina and told Ensay that the hemorrhage spot is almost gone and he doesn't need to come back for further examinations. Awesome!

I don't want to put my trust in "false hope" here but the whole family is very much excited about Ensay's incremental improvements. In today's devotional reading from Isaiah 33:6 -- And He will be the stability of your times, A wealth of salvation, wisdom and knowledge; The fear of the LORD is his treasure. -- I am comforted by the message of stability, wealth, wisdom, and knowledge, coming from treasuring the fear of the LORD. Deep down inside, as Ensay's condition is improving, my mind quickly shifts into a relaxing mode, trusting in the procedures and methods of the treatments so that they will bring stability to Ensay's health very soon. While I do believe in the treatments, I must first treasure the fear of the LORD; this is not the scary kind of fear but of honor and awesomeness of God and in the end, He is the one who will provide stability and wealth of life in Ensay such that His signature handyworks will be evident.

Please praise our God of Heaven who is in full control of Ensay's health and life going forward.

e@cyclosporin: Days 60-66 -- Land of Narnia

Yesterday's CBC showed great increase in hemoglobin and red blood cells while the platelets sustained the level.  Most particularly the reticulocytes (baby red blood cells, or RBCs) count looked very healthy signifying that his bone marrow is working over time to produce more RBCs above 6% of the RBCs.  (1% is the normal range.)  Needless to say, we were all very excited with this progress and are continuing to praise God for His healing touches in the deepest parts of Ensay's body.  I am PRAYING that this upward trend be sustained and his bone marrow factory be fully functioning to produce healthy reticulocytes into his blood stream.

A few weeks back when he was lying in bed at home with a lot of pain in his stomach and head, he asked me to read the book The Chronicles of Narnia -- The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe -- which I used to read for him when he was much younger.  So, I read for a few chapters as he listened quietly and it seemed to help taking his mind off his discomforts.  And I'm sure his two sisters coming by to listen in comforted him as well, just like his younger days when three of them were lying in bed listening to my reading this book for them as they imagined the various characters out of the book in their minds.  In fact, I was also imagining that just like how the Land of Narnia frozen by the Witches spell eventually thawed into the warm and lively land, how it would be appropriate for Ensay's "frozen" blood factory be warmed up to start producing blood cells.

Well, as the author, C. S. Lewis introduced the Lion to play a key role in restoring the Land of Narnia by sacrificing himself, we also have a figurehead, Jesus, whose shedding His blood as a sacrifice to provide a way out of our "frozen-up" world.  To this same Jesus, we had been surrendering Ensay's situation completely and we are rejoicing over the warmth gradually blanketing us over.

This week, this wave of warmth reached us in many channels, one of which was Young Joo's uncle and aunt from half around the world came for a visit while they were in Southern California.  They flew in for a half-day to meet our family to pass on the warmth which melted away the frigidness of our situation.  Again, the (global) community of supporters God surrounded us is simply amazing and in case you were wondering this was the WOW Report for this blog posting!

e@cyclosporin: Days 49-59 -- How Do You Spell Success?

As mentioned before, these days, no news truly means good news for Ensay.  He's been quite stable with his normal activities and relaxing at home since the school ended.  He does have to complete some of the classes and so spending some time on that as well.  The Cyclosporin treatment has been consistent and he hadn't needed a transfusion over a couple of weeks now because his body is producing blood cells to sustain or slightly increase the counts.  This is a real good news the doctors and we are all rejoicing over.  This is an early indication and we still need to monitor for a more weeks ahead but we are moving in the right direction and Cyclosporin treatment shows signs of success.  We are every grateful for all of your support in many ways and would like to convey to you that you played a very key role to bring Ensay to where he is today.

As of last Tuesday, his platelet count is at 35,000; hemoglobin at 8,300; white cell at 1,600; neutrophil at 1,100.

I began to ponder on the concept of success because think back to beginning of all this, we really did not have much idea of how successful the treatments will be.  First, we were hoping his two sisters' bone marrow would match but that did not happen.  Then, we clung on to God's power of healing such that Ensay's body will soon begin to generate healthy blood cells through this Cyclosporin treatment; and we helplessly watched Ensay receiving transfusion because his cell count was critically low.  What a relief it has been for the whole family to see Ensay sustaining and increasing the blood counts on his own.  We praised God for answering our prayers.  But even now, a lingering thoughts are:  Will this upward trend continue all the way?  How long will that take?  Will Ensay return to normal activities?  Unfortunately I do not have answers for these.

Past week's Bible reading included 2 Chronicles 26:5 (NASB) -- He [King Uzziah] continued to seek God in the days of Zechariah, who had understanding through the vision of God; and as long as he sought the Lord, God prospered him. -- where prosperity is defined to be the outcome of seeking God first.  In fact, King Uzziah was sixteen when he became King and reigned for fifty-two years, leading his people closer to God.  I am PRAYING that Ensay who happens to be sixteen years old now will also learn to seek God first in all that he does, especially right now as he is going through a life-changing course.  Based on this principle, even though I do not have the answers to the lingering questions mentioned above, I will also FIRST SEEK God and receive the outcome as His gracious blessings as we inch through this crisis at hand.  The measurement of success of the treatments will totally rely on whether we seek Him first or not because He is the one holds Ensay's future.


WOW Report -- the fact that our loving and caring friends do not get tired of supporting us by feeding us and praying along with us is really amazing.  Please share how we may pray with/for you by sending me an email yoon-at-kimfamily.org.

* Note on this day of July 4th, 2012:  I am so thankful for the freedom we have in this great nation.  My PRAYER for this nation is for more and more citizens will realize that we have the freedom to be all that we can be by freely seeking after God first.

e@cyclosporin: Days 42-48 -- Glimpse of Hope

As much as I wanted to blog more frequently with the latest updates, I am struggling to find a chunk of time to do that during the week days.  Continuing on from last posting, Ensay's blood counts have held its levels and just last Thursday the doctor excitedly notified us that his platelet counts have doubled to 21,000.  (Please keep in mind that normal range is 150,000 through 400,000 so we still have some ways to catch up.)  Needless to say, we were very pleased to hear that good news and wanted to convey the same excitement to you all because your prayers are being answered by our Healer.  I continue to PRAY that Ensay's bone marrow factory will produce more and more healthy blood cells.  His red blood cells are still in the low range but the doctor would like to hold off the transfusion to allow his body to produce extra red blood cells by attempting to normalize his system.  I will update you after Tuesday's blood count.

All in all, Ensay has been doing well and I can see that this news has boosted his spirit up even higher.  It's truly a time of praise for the Kimfamily.org and this day of June 21st, 2012 has been a memorable day for us.

It so happens, on that afternoon we had a consultation appointment with the bone marrow transplant group as a preparation for potentially going down that path in the future.  Even after hearing the good news from the doctor in the morning we still attended this appointment but when I heard Ensay explaining to the nurse that so far the ATG treatment he is on seems to be working, it brought sweet sense of peace and joy (for Young Joo as well).

Another significant event for the day was that our second mother duck who visited our front courtyard hatched her ducklings.  I did not see them like I did last time but I did hear the little creatures chirping when I left for work in the morning.  We were privileged to have provided the fertile nest twice this year and there is a mysterious joy of witnessing new lives come into this world according to God's design.

From this week's reading on 2 Kings 8:6 (NIV) -- The king asked the woman about it, and she told him. Then he assigned an official to her case and said to him, "Give back everything that belonged to her, including all the income from her land from the day she left the country until now." -- I was very encouraged by the message of when we follow God's instructions, He will be responsible for restoring all the "losses" we may face.  In this passage the Shunammite woman whose son Elisha had restored to life were instructed to exile to the land of Philistines to weather the famine in her land.  And when she returned, a string of events God orchestrated allowed the king to grant her the full restoration of all she had owned before.  This woman according to 2 Kings 4:8 possessed a lot of wealth and yet she followed the instruction of Elisha surrendering her possessions valuing her and her family's lives more.

Ensay was very involved in sports (water polo), and had wealth of strength and energy.  This passage almost conveys the fact that he is in exile away from the famine; and when he returns, God will restore everything he had before.  I PRAY that our family will be keen to hear God's instructions and follow them closely so that just like this woman, we also will experience God's wondrous restoration in Ensay's body and his life.

e@cyclosporin: Days 35-41 -- Still a Roller Coaster Ride

Ensay's blood counts (for platelet, red, and white blood cells) are still at lower levels, however, for last two weeks his platelet counts have sustained itself for him to not get transfusions.  This was truly a time of giving PRAISES!  Please keep in mind that although this is a great news, the doctors must observe for few more months to come to any conclusions so I continue to PRAY for his body to stabilize and pump out those blood cells.  Ensay's been doing well in general and after school went into the summer break last week, he's been more relaxed as well.

Just before school ended, our school district have identified a home tutor for Ensay and so we're very grateful and excited to have this teacher's assistance in completing the school requirements very soon.  Talk about PRAISE (#2):  This tutor was Ensay's history teacher from last year so they already know each other well.  And when this teacher visited our home for the first time to provide initial instructions, he noticed this quilt on our living room wall and asked whether we attend a church because he himself is a Christ follower attending one of the evangelical church near by.  This was very special to us not just because he shares the same faith but because it also sets a strong common bond to collaborate in this effort.  By the way, this quilt was a precious present brought to us by a close family of ours who is currently serving as a missionary overseas a couple of months before Ensay's health issue surfaced.  These three words, "God is Faithful," hung in our living room spoke to us loudly with authority during the initial weeks into our family crisis, setting our spiritual bearing on His faithfulness away from our anxiety.

In fact, in this week's reading of 1 Kings 19:2-4 (NIV) -- So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, "May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them." Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there,  while he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, Lord," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." -- affirmed us that no matter how much of a mighty power of God I may experience, when I shift my focus off His faithfulness to the voices of the circumstances I am facing, then I will fall prey to the fear and discouragements just like Elijah mentioned in this passage (who was a mighty prophet of God).

We certainly are grateful for Ensay's current condition but we still feel like we're in the roller coaster ride, going up and down, up and down.  Lately it's been the fatigue resulting from running hard last few months which has been draining us and at times felt like Elijah under the broom bush, simply overwhelmed with everything going on, and perhaps focusing too much of the voices of the circumstance we are in.  So  we continue to PRAY that we lock our focus on His faithfulness.

WOW Report -- Just today, one of the respected parent of our friends shared with me that she checks my blog every morning before praying for Ensay's healing.  What a humbly experience that was (not to mention that I should update my blog more frequently!) with gratitude.  Friends are still dropping off food according to the sign-up schedule and deeply touches all five of us.  Two instances, mothers in their last trimester brought food for us even when they themselves have difficulty moving about.  Thank you everyone.

e@cyclosporin: Days 27-34 -- Fabric of Community

Some updates first.  The school district finally identified and assigned a tutor to assist Ensay with completing the class works over the summer.  Thankfully, Ensay had attended school as much as he could in between all the hospital visits so in some classes he actually completed within this semester in good standings.  In some other classes this tutor will work with him to complete.  Normally, aplastic anemia patients are not permitted to go to school (due to low immune system) but because Ensay's strength both physically and mentally, the doctor allowed him to finish off the class works as much as he could handle.  God has indeed blessed me and my wife, Young Joo, with a son who won't give up easily when faced with challenges of life.

Even though the doctor cannot jump to any conclusions yet, he's been encouraged to see some of the recent blood counts and most of all Ensay's condition has not deteriorated by any means.  I am continuing to PRAY that his bone marrow will be jammed with healthy cells which in turn will produce healthy blood cells.

School year ended today, so the summer schedule would alleviate some of the time constraints and will definitely provide some room for him to relax and let his mind and body to think and work on nothing other than generating some blood!

While we had no urgent issues (such as bleeding), at times my wife and I feel drained because we feel like we're just riding a stationary bike (going no where but working super hard).  But your support and encouragements have kept our minds clear and the warmth of your care melted away the stiffness of facing the unknowns and at times frustration of just being in the state we're in.

When someone from 1+ hour drops off (still hot) food at our house with little ones in the car, deep corner of our hearts are touched and truly thank God for putting such wonderful people around us.  Last Sunday, we attended our small group after a few weeks of missing it and as we were returning home we felt recharged emotionally not because anything special happened but just the fact that we were strengthening each other through fellowship and prayer.  Very appropriately, today's reading on Ecclesiastes 4:9,10 --
9 Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.10 For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. -- touches on this very principle for the Fabric of Community and I want you all to know that this passage refers to you all.  May God bless you and your family!

e@cyclosporin: Day 23-26 -- Unknowns > Knowns

I would like to report some good news with you first. We just got a call from Ensay's in-home tutor selected by the school district who happens to be one of his teacher from last year. I am PRAYING that this teacher and Ensay will collaborate wonderfully to both catch up on classes as well as boosting up Ensay's confidence. Ensay's platelet counts are sustaining better and that means less platelet transfusions for him! on top of that even when platelet counts go down his body is showing less petechiae and bleedings.  So, even though we had not seen a breakthrough in the root of the problem, we are most grateful for the progress in Ensay's overall condition.  Your prayers are making a huge difference and we thank you.

On a lower note (literally), Ensay's neutrophil count has been decreasing to 500 which leaves him vulnerable to infections just from what's going around in the air.  So, if he runs some fever, then he needs to be hospitalized ASAP.  So far, he's been doing fine, but we are PRAYING for a bubble of protection around him at all times and for his neutrophil counts to increase.

Ensay has been going to school as much as he can, and also attended Sunday worship services for last two weeks.  We are all very thankful to see him fully engaged in daily routines.

Worth repeating our gratitude:  The wonderful support from you with the rides for our children, dropping off delicious food for us to enjoy while relieving from a day filled with hospital visits.  Beyond the physical feeding, your support has been refreshing our souls also.  Thank you!

Reflection on how we have more unknowns than knowns:
While I knew that there are more unknowns than knowns in this world, I always thought we knew enough to carry on with our lives.  However, having gone through this situation with Ensay, I've become a firm believer that what we do know is just a drop in a bucket with respect to what is really out there in this world I live in.  Even one of the most advanced medical centers in the world struggled with this same issue when trying to diagnose Ensay's health condition because there were more unknowns than what they had discovered thus far -- which is still the case right now as we patiently await Ensay's healing.

This definitely was a reality check for me but then as I thought about it some more the fact that I know very little about what is going on today and what will come tomorrow is what really keeps me going.  If I had figured most of it out, then what is the true purpose of living?  It'll be like watching a movie knowing how it ends, or a soccer game knowing which team wins.  The fact that I do not know what is to come gives me the opportunity to attain hope and live by that hope.  Again, it's like the unknown of the game's outcome is what excites the process of watching the game.

One of the daily readings from this week was:  For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. (Romans 8:24, 25 NASB)

Going back to the game analogy, the source of excitement is not only from the unknown of the outcome but is also from cheering on of your favorite team.  If I did not care of the teams playing, then there is no incentive for me to watch the game in the first place.  So, in addition to having the hope in the unknown future, having a hope in something certain to cheer on is also necessary for me to have a meaning of heading into the future despite the unclarity.  So, as the passage from Romans says, I will with perseverance wait eagerly for God's hope to come alive in my family's situation revealing His glory.

e@cyclosporin: Day 17-22 -- Reverse Psychology of the Blue Frog

Many people have asked me the question, "How's Ensay doing?" and I can tell you how appreciative I am for your great concerns and prayers; enough for you to ask how Ensay is doing.  As much as I wanted to make my response succinct and clear, I end up saying something gray-ish like, "He is doing well and yet the root of the problem has not made any progress."  So you may have wondered, "So, does it mean he is ok or he is not ok?"  He is doing ok when it comes to his body reacting to the medication treatment and transfusions had not caused much allergic reactions, and he has been sleeping well (and his parents, too!).  However he has not been doing ok when it comes to his bone marrow producing enough platelets and red blood cells.

Ensay's spirit's been very positive and at times his great attitude even surprises me (in a good way) and I am very thankful to see that in him.  For example, when he prays, he lifts up another little girl he met at the hospital who is going through chemotherapy.  Some how I feel like God will honor his prayers for that girl a lot more because it came out from his own similar personal encounters.

He has also been attending school classes a few more times and I can see how he is excited to go despite the fact that he needs to catch up on a lot of work and he faces the risks of catching some contagious germs from being in a crowd of people.  We are still waiting for the school district to find him a tutor but with the year-end busyness and identifying the qualified tutor this process has been delayed for two weeks already.

Yesterday, his PICC Line was removed which should be a relief for him to always be careful with his right arm but now he needs to be "poked" every time they do a CBC.

The continuous out-pouring of our friends' support of providing rides to our children, and bringing food from all over the greater Bay Area locations have ministered to our family in deepest ways.  We're the true recipients of the "power of caring community."  It just humbles us tremendously.

Reflection on Reverse Psychology:
As I tell my kids to not "waste" their time on Facebook, they seem to be on it more.  Do you know what I mean, teenager parents?  So, I am thinking that I should try the reverse psychology of telling them to spend as much as they want on Facebook in hopes of lowering their interest by subduing the focus of it.  May be they'll lose interest because it's no longer highlighted.  I haven't tried this yet so I'll tell you how it goes if decide to give it a try.

In Friday's reading in 1 Kings 11:2 -- They were from nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, "You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods." Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. -- I see that King Solomon did exactly what God told him not to do even though later in his life he realized his faults and regretted his wrong choices.  Despite God's warnings he "nevertheless" went after his own desires.  Should God have used reverse psychology on him, I wondered?

Applying this thought to my current circumstance with Ensay, I am wondering if God is applying the reverse psychology on me by putting me into this position where I can naturally doubt His love and grace for me just so that I would turn to Him even stronger "nevertheless" the tendency to pull away from Him.  For those familiar with the Korean folktale of the Blue Frog (청개구리), you know what I mean here and as I never wanted to be the Blue Frog to my parents, I certainly don't want to be one to my Heavenly Father.

e@cyclosporin Day 15-16: Power in the Blood

Thank you for the prayers about Ensay's finishing his school year strong despite the set backs he faced in last two months.  He still needs to visit the hospital twice a week to receive transfusion of platelets and red blood cells because his body (bone marrow) is still not producing them.  Including all the waiting times in between lab tests it can take up to 12 hours in the hospital to receive the transfusions.  The previous test results showed his white blood cells to have dipped down a little so the doctor told us to bring him in if he runs a fever (i.e., due to low immune system, he is susceptible to infections).  I am continuously PRAYING that his bone marrow factory will go into normal operations and for God to put a shield of protection around him against germs so he stays healthy.

Reflection:

The many hours of receiving the transfusion, especially the red blood cells (as seen in the picture included), provide solitary moments to reflect on a lot of things of which the value and the life our blood carries.  We are grateful to all the blood donors because in essence their donated blood is what is sustaining Ensay's life.  As I write this, my mind is still in state of denial but that is our reality.  While we're clinging on to the hope and promises God laid in our hearts about this situation when you see this big boy lying in the hospital bed receiving the blood for many hours at a time because his body cannot produce it on its own, it is unavoidable for us to fall into moments of disbelief in everything we had held on to  because when life and death stares straight at you head on it shakes the whole world upside down (a few times!).

Many years ago when I was helping set up the sound system for a small performance, as I was holding on to the power cable to one of the equipment I asked, "Where's the power?"  To my surprise one of the musicians replied, "The power's in the blood!"  That funny response, however, stuck with me all these years because he was absolutely right.  The power is in the blood because: 1) our body needs the blood and that is why blood is used to signify life in us; and 2) we need the blood of Jesus to have a vibrant spiritual life now in this world and the world to come.  As much as our physical life needs the (red) blood to keep us alive, we also need to have the blood Jesus gave us flowing through our souls in order to keep us alive spiritually.

Yesterday's daily reading was on 2 Thessalonians 2:16 -- Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who has loved us and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace, comfort and strengthen your hearts in every good work and word.  I underlined "grace" because that is the hinge holding together everything else mentioned in this passage.  Just like the graciousness of the blood donors giving, Ensay is benefiting immensely, the graciousness of God's giving us the lifeline is the key to our having eternal comfort, good hope, and strengths.  Without His grace, there isn't much more to talk about.

The power is indeed in His blood, through His grace.  And that's where we are going to anchor our hope while strengthening our hearts against all the storms come our way.  Thank you all for journeying with us with amazing support.

e@cyclosporin: Day 10-14 -- Leaving an Impression

We are very glad for Ensay's body to have adjusted to the medication he started on and he hadn't encountered any more reactions.  Overall he's been in good spirits and sleeping much better at night times.  He still goes into the clinic regularly each week to do the blood test and transfusions as needed.  To my layman's eyes the lab reports are all over the place and do not clearly see which direction the progress is heading toward but one thing for sure is that things have not declined significantly and so far the doctor shares a positive outlook.  I can confidently say that your prayers have kept the dark clouds at bay, letting His sun (or is it Son) shine right through to us even through these very uncertain period of just (seems to me like aimlessly) waiting.  God desires for us to keep our head up high and to look to Him while there is another force that wants us to clam up into the dark corners; so we're very grateful for your support because they are sustaining us to stand firm in His promises for us.

With only about three weeks left in the school year, Ensay has been concerned about catching up with his school works and even though the school district's been trying hard to identify the tutor we are still waiting.  In the mean time, Ensay was able to attend some of the classes and begun to dig into the classworks and it is really great to see him take that initiative.  Thankfully many of the teachers "love" him and are eager to provide help -- as an example one teacher recruited one of the upperclassman to tutor him.  I PRAY that his motivation to finish strong in the classworks will continue and appropriate helpers will spring forth in no time.  I also PRAY that his kidneys and liver are protected from the strong medication he is on now.

A Funny Story & My Reflection
Just as the anesthesiologist begun the general anesthesia for the second bone marrow biopsy procedure, she begin asking him questions to see when he would fall asleep.  After a few questions of this and that, it came to the question: "Is your mom a good cook?"  We were both in the procedure room listening to this and he was looking at us as the sleeping agent was already at work, he answered along the lines of: "Once in a while when dad shows up to cook, he shows who's the boss."  How odd a response that was, but then, he fell asleep, so an opportunity for clarification has vanished.  NOW, let me just make it clear to everyone that I neither cook much at home nor come anywhere close to Young Joo's cooking skills.  So this is not about feeling good about getting the recognition, but to my surprise, what even gave him a glimpse of such a thinking (ok ok, so he was under the influence; and that's why I call this my "reflection" :-).  The only thing I can think of is the few instances that I did cook for my kids utilizing some of the self-taught culinary skills honed in to be meat-rich, veggie-less, and salt-friendly which must have left him an impression.  (So I wish.)  Isn't it true that we retain those impressionable moments not necessary based on the frequency of happening but because it just takes that one impression to last a life time?

Today's reading from 1 Chronicles 29:11-13 touches on leaving an impressionable moment.  It reads: Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all.  Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all. Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name.

This is David's prayer after Solomon, his son, takes the throne with all the materials David prepared for him to build God's temple, and the people willingly made lots of offerings as well.  He could have been satisfied with his achievements and to pass on the legacy to his son, but no, he recognized and praised God's greatness and His splendor for everything.  He professes that wealth and honor come from Him and that he would praise God's glorious name.

I would love to know one day, that Young Joo's and my love for God would be recognized by my children based on the impression left deep inside their hearts.

e@cyclosporin: Day 6-9: Power of Memory

Against my will of updating this blog daily, days are packed with many tasks and activities days are slipping by quickly before I could get on this blog.  As you can imagine, this means nothing major has happened so that is a good thing; but it also means accumulation of fatigue has somewhat caught up with us at the same time to keep up with everything.  We are doing fine, but just wanted to give you an idea.

Ensay's found a smooth routine for taking the medication, measuring the blood pressure, flushing the PICC Line, keeping hydrated, and resting as much as he can.  A lot of these are assisted by his head nurse (mom!) with the greatest care.  Ensay is still making three trips to the hospital per week to do the CBC, transfusion, or to see his doctor but on the whole he's had no serious reactions and sleeps without much interruptions.  Appreciate your laser-focused prayers to alleviate him from the nightmares.

So far, it is still premature to seek a clear indication from the blood counts, but using the Olympics analogy, we realize this is a marathon and not a 100m dash so we are trying very hard not to react to each every readings various reports.  This is definitely an aggressive training for us to keep our eyes on Him who is in full control of the situation.  Sad to report that our son is doing a much better job at this than his parents.  (Wait, that's really not sad but happy, isn't it?!  But you know what I mean.)

As for the hemorrhage in his eye, the doctor confirmed it to be diminishing in size, which is a great progress, and it is not in a critical location behind retina to be too concerned.  However, there is a chance that it may leave a permanent blurry spot.  So, I am going PRAY for that hemorrhage to dissipate cleanly and completely.

Good news and a Reflection:  Ensay went to school for the whole day on last Thursday.  We were not sure if he would sustain the whole day but he did fine even though we could see him a bit tired that evening.  I am most grateful for his positive attitude in making the best out of the situations he is in.  That morning when Young Joo dropped him off at school, her eyes swelled up with tears because she was so proud to see him taking the proactive steps forward even after such a set back.  I keep linking back to his younger days and when she told me that, I remembered the first day we dropped him off at the pre-school and watching him bravely walk into the classroom all by himself.  Some of you may relate to that mushy feeling inside as you gaze into such a scene.  Then I realized those precious moments of witnessing his growing into a new phase is what keeps making these memory flashbacks to take place.  It is as if these special moments add another thread into the fabric of family.  Without such memories, heart-to-heart ties may not be strong.  Without such a memory for me, when my wife told me about Thursday morning when she saw Ensay go into school after missing it for more than a week, I am sure I would have been proud of him but would have lacked the depth of my love for him accumulated over the years.  I just saw a new angle to the power of memory and how I need to continue adding more threads to my family's fabric by intentionally facilitating moments noteworthy to store into my memory bank.

From this week's daily reading on Matthew 26:64 --
"You have said so," Jesus replied. "But I say to all of you: From now on you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven." -- was really a quote from the Old Testament's Daniel 7:13 -- "In my vision at night I looked, and there before me was one like a son of man, coming with the clouds of heaven. He approached the Ancient of Days and was led into his presence.  These two period span more than 500 years and to see Daniel's prophecy come true after so many years is a strength to know that our God spans the time space we live in.  His promises will never fail just like this sun in the picture that rises every morning without failure.  This picture is from when our family went to a near by pond to have Easter sunrise worship.  Many things were unknown with Ensay's situation then, so we lifted him up for the power of His resurrection signified by this sunrise to shine on him with a touch of healing in his blood system.

WOW Report -- This is not new, but we're continuously WOWed by the community of friends bringing (quite delicious, I might add) food for us to eat from far places as well.  We're very much touched by all of your loving hearts (and hands).  Email messages of letting us know your are covering us with your prayers are very much strengthening us also.  WOW.

e@cyclosporin: Day 3-5 -- Bumpy Start

I'm not sure how the last two days passed by.  As a result of many factors at play -- Change of environment from the hospital room to home, Starting on Cyclosporin pills, and After effects from ATG treatment -- Ensay had a couple of miserable days and sleepless nights.  He was nauseated with some stomach aches (most likely due to constipation), at times with some headaches.  He was wondering why he was not still at the hospital when he is feeling so bad.  We told him that on Monday he can ask that same question to his doctor and in the mean time we will have to hang in there.  On Monday, the doctor pointed out that these side effects are most likely caused by ATG being active in his body and told him to take Magnesium citrate to relieve his stomach and happy to report it worked explosively well.  Since then he's been feeling much better and after day's rest he resumed the Cyclosporin tonight.

I am also happy report that the doctors are seeing some positive signs from the preliminary test results from Monday.  Please know that your prayers are at work here @ Kimfamily.org!

During the nights when Ensay could not really sleep due to discomforts, Young Joo (mostly) and I were up with him trying to help in any way possible, feeling so helpless because there really wasn't much we could do besides laying our hands on him and praying for the pains to be lifted.  While this was not a pleasant situation it nevertheless reminded of the days when he was a newborn keeping us (again, mostly Young Joo) up and night. The only difference then and now was, his method of communication.  Back then, he just cried and cried in incomprehensible words, but this time he was communicating his pain through his facial expressions and comprehensible words even mixing in his full emotions by crying out, "Help me!" (which he spoke in Korean, "살려주세요!" is more like saying "Save me!") while reaching out to hold my hand....

In today's reading in Psalm 32:3,7 I found these passages:

When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Lord will hide Ensay in His special place protecting his bones from wasting away.  He will surround him with songs of deliverance.  In fact, we are going to have some family praise time starting tomorrow.

e@cyclosporin: Day 2.1 -- Home & Family

Do you know when something so obvious becomes a reality?  I went through that experience today after Ensay and mom came home.  I realized our lovely home (the physical entity) is not complete without all the family members present.  For last eleven days or even with all the support from our community of friends filling in the rides and food duties, things seemed volatile around the home.  Merely hours after they came home, however, just having all of us here provided a sense of stability and wholesomeness to this place we call our home.

Much like the aplastic anemia where the imbalance in the body prohibits from generating the right blood cells, home without the whole family was unable to produce the right chemistry to sustain the balance.  In the busyness of taking care of many things during last eleven days I did not realize this until all of us were united again at this home.  Just like how our home restored its vibrancy, I continue to PRAY that Ensay's body will very soon normalize to produce healthy blood cells by striking the right balance.

The medication's side effects are much under control in Day Two, but he still cannot avoid the unpleasant feelings from taking the pills.  Overall, though, he continues to carry his positive attitude, soaking up the discomforts very well.  It is so good to have him back at home (especially on the Children's Day, in Korea which is May 5th of every year).

God encouraged me to carry on through today's reading from 2 Samuel 10:12 -- Be strong, and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God. The Lord will do what is good in his sight."  This is where David's army were up against a very strong opponent and the two generals are making a pact with each other.  Instead of focusing on "winning" the battle they focused on serving their people while trusting the outcome to God's leadership.  Our family is going to fight bravely while trusting God to do what is good in His sight.

Reflection:

Isn't this a cute picture my girl took of the mother duck, who visited our home, feeding (or kissing) her duckling?  Just a day after this duckling hatched it knows how to stay under its mom's care and protection.  I don't know what it is, but I am just awed by how all this is designed to work so well in this wild nature.  God, You sure did a fabulous job! :-)

e@cyclosporin: Day 2.0 -- Welcome Home

In short, Ensay came home today!

Going forward, he will be taking Cyclosporin from home and make frequent visits to the clinic for testing.

Today, as he took the Cyclosporin pills in two parts, he seems to be tolerating a lot better and actually ate a good amount of food when we got home.  It's so good to have him here especially in a significantly better mood than yesterday.  Again, thank you all for lifting him up in prayers to target the problematic areas which improved.

For now, this happy and grateful dad wanted to share this great news with you.  :-)

e@cyclosporin: Day 1.1 -- Strong Grip

When I finally got away from my office to visit Ensay around 8pm, my heart was very heavy to see him struggle so much with the side effects from starting on Cyclosporin.  I could see his quiet inner strength working over time to manage the huge discomfort inside of him -- nauseating plus stomach pains.  We got to chat a little and watched LA Lakers struggling along in one of their playoff games.  His second dose of Cyclosporin arrived and just watching him swallow those ginormous pills made my stomach to react a little!

After watching some more basketball and food channel (really mostly observing how he is coping with his discomforts) he vomited which relieved some of his discomforts but I could still sense turmoil inside.  As I was sitting next to him he reached out and held my hand and so I grabbed his in return with a strong grip then I also brought my other hand over to grab his hand together to let him know that I was there with him.  After a few minutes he, in almost a whispering voice, said to me, "Go home."  He was looking out for me because his sisters were at home by themselves.  If that weren't the case, I would have sat next to him all night holding on to his hand ... praying for him and letting him know how much I love him as my proud son; but I had to peel myself out of that room back home.

As I was holding his hand and praying in the darkened room, my mind flashed back about 10 years when my little boy's soft and cushiony hand would hold onto mine with a strong grip especially when he is scared.  I would hold his hand tightly back to give him assurance that I am with him and won't leave him.  This is a privilege God gave to all fathers and the sensation of that bonding between father and child is one of a kind in this universe.  It has been a few years, though, since we had such a moment as my son grew into a young man, taller and stronger than me.  However, tonight, God allowed us to re-connect in a very special way despite the miserable condition Ensay had to fight through.  I am so grateful for His being with us and assuring us that He is in full control with a mighty grip on us in the current situation.  In fact, this is the essence of His love displayed on the Cross for us symbolizing that His hand is stretched out to us so that when we reach out and grab His hand He won't let us go no matter what happens.

e@cyclosporin: Day 1.0

Ensay felt nauseated after taking the first dose this morning.  He is sleeping now but I am going to PRAY that he won't have much reactions to this new medication.  I look forward to seeing him laster this evening to cheer him up.

e@rest: Day of Rest

Today was a good day of rest without any IV or medication for Ensay, he looked rested with a lifted level of energy.  It was good to see him that way.

Tomorrow, the next phase of the treatment called Cyclosporin will begin while starting today the platelet transfusion was reduced.  The doctors will be monitoring closely how Ensay's bone marrow will increase production of "good" blood cells.

After visiting Ensay for a few hours tonight, I also feel rested just seeing this good-looking young man in good spirits.

In today's reading, the writer in Psalm 2:7-8 wrote:

"I will surely tell of the decree of the LORD:
He said to Me, 'You are My Son,
Today I have begotten You.
'Ask of Me, and I will surely give the nations as Your inheritance,
And the very ends of the earth as Your possession.

These are words for me and my family also, that the same God who considers us as His own to give the nations as inheritance and the very ends of the earth as our possession will grant the same to Ensay because we are asking of Him now.  We also trust that the healing in Ensay's blood system will be a part of this process.

e@atg: Day Five and Done

ATG treatment has been completed this afternoon!  We just passed one of the major milestones.  The doctor would like for Ensay to stay until the weekend in order for them to monitor the progress.  Cyclosporin (medication pill) treatment will start now which will be going on for an extended period.  This medication can affect his kidneys, liver, and raise his blood pressure so I will be PRAYING specifically for protection of his kidneys, liver and other organs during this phase of his treatment and also for his doctors to examine and analyze the results with wisdom and clear insights to further shepherd the treatment process.

Ensay walked around the building this evening to get some fresh air and to give his legs some exercise.  It was great to see him doing that.

From today's reading:  Matthew 19:26 -- And looking at them Jesus said to them, "With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

P.S.  Tomorrow (5/3/12) is the National Day of Prayer.

e@atg: Day Four at a Good Pace

It was an uneventful day and that is a good thing with everything going on.  The infusion at a slightly higher rate completed without any complications and Ensay is feeling well although a bit too quiet after we requested you to hold visitations. :-)  I cannot imagine what may be going through his mind and body but he is holding up very well like a real man.  (Did I tell you how proud I am of him, yet?)

I am PRAYING that Ensay's body will be protected while ATG is at work (i.e., lowering his immune system).  His mind will be filled with God's comforting Spirit who will commune with him throughout this process.

WOW Report -- I just realized that prayers for Ensay are coming from around the globe.  From the top of my head these are the locations (please comment here if I missed you):  Africa, Germany, Indonnesia, Japan, Korea, and (many of the) United States.  This means Ensay is being covered by prayers around the clock.  WOW.

e@atg: Day Three was Good

Please note:  Your prayer coverings made a huge difference for Ensay eliminating the initial reactions.  Although he is a bit weak he is doing well and so if you like to visit him please call or SMS Young Joo ahead (use the number you already have for her or, 650-242-5949) and stop by to cheer him up.

Ensay is handling the ATG treatment quite well and although the injection rate had been slowed down he is receiving the whole unit each day (except for day one) so things are looking good so far with the treatment.  With the SoCal trip and all I've only been able to make short visits and did not get to spend a lot of time with him but he seems a little down (could be the effect of the Benadryl) which is the overall scheme of things is totally understandable.

I PRAY that Ensay's spirit will continue to be uplifted and his heart will be filled with the peace that can only be filled by our Lord Jesus.

As I am reflecting on what's happened during last 1.5 months I really have to ask myself was this all for real?  I just cannot believe all this has and is happening to us but what's more unbelievable is that we are able to cope with and weather the turbulent storm without losing our minds.  At times God allows these storms in life that we cannot avoid for a special purpose but as I am writing this I'm still asking, "Was this really necessary?"

In today's reading, I ran across a guy named Obed-edom who also faced a situation he could not avoid and probably was asking the same question toward God.  When one of the Israelites was killed by God when he tried to uphold the ark which was about to tip over, everyone including David was filled with fear and decided abort the task of bringing in the ark into Jerusalem and instead leave it with Obed-edom.  Not exactly an honorable moment for him, however, God blessed him and all his household because they (somewhat reluctantly I'm sure) received the ark.  Somebody's always got to do the dirty job but when it is about receiving God's presence, then any dirty job will transform into a blessing of revealing His glory because God will never settle for anything less than that.

2 Samuel 6:10-11 --
10 And David was unwilling to move the ark of the LORD into the city of David with him; but David took it aside to the house of Obed-edom the Gittite.11 Thus the ark of the LORD remained in the house of Obed-edom the Gittite three months, and the LORD blessed Obed-edom and all his household.

It is not a walk in the park for the Kim Family here, but even with a bit of reluctance, we are committed to stay on course to receive God's presence in us through the "Wemail" (pronounced "wee-mail" which I just made up :-) messages He sends us through the Word because as we invite more of Him He will never settle for anything less than what He can and will do for us in the midst of our storms of life.

WOW Report -- Some of our friends have put together an extensive spreadsheet (google docs) for others to volunteer for food, rides for our children, etc.  Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed by such caring hearts even utilizing the high-tech.  WOW.

And today, I'd like to end with a story I started about a month ago about the mother duck visiting our front courtyard to lay her eggs.  Well, she hatched about 6+ ducklings.  I got to see them this year before they left.  Observing this process, I'm simply amazed (again) at God's design of bringing life into this world through a caring mother of a wild duck that arrived one day out of nowhere and then gone with the wind with her ducklings (but did not leave any thank you note).  How much more will that same God care for us?

e@atg: Day Two Looks Better

If you noticed how I sneaked in my SoCal trip with my girls in here and were thinking, "Wait a minute, this is not about Ensay," you are absolutely right.  However, when you experience the power of prayers from the loving community of believers like you I couldn't resist but to tap into it for our trip.  As I mentioned in the previous WOW Report your prayers already amazingly provided a tremendous support for Young Joo while I was away; and also granted the three of us a precious and smooth trip from start to finish.  This has been a confirmation that God is intimately with us through this chapter of our family.  Thank you for your partnership.

Day two for Ensay's treatment was a lot better.  The doctors suspended last night's treatment until this morning and although today's process took a significantly longer time to complete, there were no reactions to handle and Ensay felt much much better today.  I can't wait to see my lovely son tomorrow (we returned home at midnight so did not have a chance to see him today) to give him a high five!

Today, the author of Psalm 139 reminded me that God had formed Ensay's inward parts (bone marrow and all) and interwoven my son right inside his mother's womb.  What a comfort that is under the circumstances we are in because even though our most advanced practice of medicine cannot determine everything that's going on with Ensay's situation, our God knows it all exactly and He will search Ensay's heart, mind, and emotions to bring healing to lead him in everlasting way much beyond what we can imagine.  I am PRAYING for Ensay's physical comfort during this treatment and God has already been responding to that but He is not going to stop there but expand His coverage to the max -- everlastingly -- and that's a big WOW for the day!

Psalm 139:13, 23, 24 says:

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

e@atg: Day One, a Tough Beginning

Please note: During next 4-5 days please postpone your visitations.  We are so ever grateful for your concerns and wishing to stop by to cheer him up with prayers, but ATG treatment being what it is, we need to allow Ensay plenty of rest.

Before leaving for SoCal, I saw Ensay sleeping in his hospital bed this morning so I did not get to let him know in person that I will be thinking of him and praying for him as he starts on ATG treatment this afternoon.  While we were warned about a boat load of side effects from this treatment, I really hoped for a smooth start (and finish), however, his body reacted with hives and severe headache for them to pause the treatment.  Took some time to stabilize the reaction with hydracortisone and treatment resumed at a slower rate and that means each treatment will take much longer than 6 hours.

My aching heart reaches out to him from here in Souther California... along with his sisters.

God, please surround him with Your angels right now.  May his body relax, and his heart be filled with Your peace and comfort.  Please protect his organs.

Today's daily reading was about Jesus' statement in Matthew 15:11 -- It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man. I may be forcing an application from this passage but I PRAY that what enters into his blood system through ATG will not affect Ensay's firm standing and trust in God's word and His healing power ("out of his mouth").  This medication is making him miserable for sure, but please protect his physical and spiritual heart to be pure for You.


WOW Report -- Ensay's uncle, who is an MD from Minnesota flew in with a surprise visit this morning to personally encourage Ensay and to monitor how he was doing.  The timing of his visit could not have been better merely about an hour after I stopped by before heading down for SoCal leaving Young Joo alone to take care of Ensay through ATG treatment.  Although my brother-in-law will have to return tomorrow morning, I just praise God the provider (Jehovah Jireh) to meet our specific needs.  WOW!

e@atg: Objective

Some of you in the medical field may have a better explanation, but in laymen's term my understanding of ATG treatment is to remove or suppress the antibodies that are destroying the bone marrow allowing the body to normalize its generation of bone marrow.

We were told that ATG is a very strong medicine and will have many side effects and most likely to make Ensay feel pretty bad during the infusion.  I PRAY that during next 4-5 days, God's angels will minister to him so all the complications will diminish and Ensay will pass this first gate without any excitements.  I will be away on the road the first two days so I also PRAY for Young Joo to manage the situation without much stress and anxiety.

The PICC Line is to have a direct pipeline to his heart to inject medicine or draw blood without having to "poke" him every time.

Psalm 142:7 -- Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.

Dear God, just like this Psalmist's desire, please set Ensay free from his prison (whatever that may be) that he may praise Your name along with many witnesses for Your goodness.

WOW Report -- already several of you visited Ensay at LPCH and brought more food for our family.  We are praising God for how blessing us through you all.

e@atg: Step One

The bone marrow matching test came out negative for both Ensay's sisters.  So we are taking the next treatment path of ATG (Antithymocyte Globulin) starting tomorrow.  This afternoon, PICC Line was inserted to allow IV treatments and blood drawing easier for Ensay.  I observed this process while I tagged-teamed with Young Joo and it was an involved process of inserting a fine tube in his vein.  Ensay was so calm and tolerant of some pains involved in the process, I felt so proud of being there in front of the practitioners to watch him take it like a man.

I will follow up with more details later but the doctor did not want to delay the treatment especially after observing some of the hemorrhages mentioned previously.

I PRAY that ATG treatment will restore the balance in his bone marrow to start producing healthy blood cells again.  It will take several months to observe the effectiveness of this treatment, but we are going to surrender that part into God's hand.

e@hospital stay again: We're in Good Hands

The doctor discovered through the CT scan, small cerebral hemorrhages in several places, not just in one location.  Although they were not critical the doctor took the step to admit Ensay into hospital so they could sustain high level of platelets and hemoglobin cells.  When I visited him today, he looked a lot better and petechiae diminished noticeably.  I am giving total praise to God for all of your prayer covering over Ensay from around the world for allowing his doctor to make the laser-sharp decision to take the right actions before things got out of control (don't even want to think about the otherwise).  We are constantly receiving email messages, IMs, and phone calls from our friends (you) letting us know that they are praying for Ensay and our family.  Thank you for allowing us to experience God's miraculous power; and something tells me this is just a beginning.

In the midst of all this Hannah, my oldest, and I already made a plan to drive down and back this Saturday through Sunday to Southern California for her to participate in VOCE cello competition and since Ensay and mom may still be at the hospital, both of my daughters and I may go on this trip together.  I PRAY that we would have a wonderful time on this very quick in-n-out trip while Ensay will continue to strengthen.

From today's reading, Matthew 13:23 -- But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. -- God taught me how to pray for situation, as we wait for bone marrow matching results and subsequent treatment procedures, to ask for our hearts to become like the "good soil" so whichever course we take from here on that our hearts will harbor His words to produce multiplication of fruits according to His will.  Another insight from this parable is that God's miraculous power may seem only powerful 25% of the times until our good and fertile hearts begin to bring forth the abundant fruits to cover even the rest of the 75% to completely cover us all and then some.

WOW Report -- Tongue in cheek, I feel like our friends are "fighting" to help us by delivering us food and other goodies.  It is just amazing how precious all of your loving & caring hands are, touching us at the deepest parts of us very warmly.

e@prognosis: CT Scan #2

It was pretty rough night for Ensay as he had a terrible headache, some fever, nauseating, and vomiting throughout the night.  Today after getting his regular transfusion of RBC the doctor wanted to do a CT scan just to make sure there is no internal bleeding in his brain.  That was about 5:30pm when I got a call from my wife that a minor hemorrhage was detected but nothing urgent.  However the doctor wanted Ensay to check into the hospital so they may monitor him closely to keep the platelet and hemoglobin levels high.  A couple of days ago he complained about seeing a blurry spot in one of his eyes and so after seeing an eye doctor he confirmed a minor hemorrhage behind retina but this should clear up fairly soon.  The super-low levels of platelets is causing these anomalies and that's why the doctors wanted him to stay at the hospital.

So, Ensay and his mom are at the room next door to where he was last time at the Lucile Packard Children's Hospital and most likely will be there for a couple of days.

I am wondering why God's miracles don't come at God speed?  Then I realized God makes no mistakes so we must be on God speed right now and just like how Jesus took extra days before arriving to raise Lazarus out of the "stinking" tomb to glorify Himself, He must be doing that in our situation, too.  A part of me as I write this is thinking that I am just trying to comfort myself while the other half is saying please take my mustard seed faith of struggling to follow Your "narrow" ways and transform into magnifying Your power and glory.  Is this what You've been telling us about how Ensay's life will be used to lift You up?  May it be so.

This morning, thank You, God for speaking to both me and my wife through the exact same passage out of 1 Samuel 30:19 where after David and his 200 valiant warriors were crushed by finding out the Amalekites had captured all of their family members and live stocks, they sought after them by receiving God's approval.  And after catching up to them and defeating them they had restored everything without losing anything.  The passage says:

But nothing of theirs was missing, whether small or great, sons or daughters, spoil or anything that they had taken for themselves; David brought it all back.

We are both certain God had prepared our hearts for what we found out later in the day; but it doesn't end there.  He wanted to tell us that even though we seem to hit a set back, He is not going to lose anything and instead He is going to bring it all back (again to display His wonderful glory).

I PRAY that Ensay's heart will be protected from any discouragements and keeps planting his Hope in God's strength, and for the hemorrhage to stop and dissipate quickly without causing any issues.

P.S.  A close friend sent this passage, Ecclesiastes 3:25 -- The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; (NIV).

e@prognosis: Make Room for Miracle Maker

By definition, miracle begins when we are at end of our own ways and efforts; otherwise it is not a miracle but our own solution.  As the whole family is about to go in for a bone marrow compatibility testing this afternoon (the results will come out about a week later) to see if one of the members (mostly the siblings) is a matching bone marrow donor for Ensay, we are PRAYING for a miracle to take place, first because there really is nothing we can do to increase the odds, and second because we are at the end of our ropes as far as what we can do to beyond this process other than resorting to a less probable medication treatment and finally to look for an outside-family matching donor.

Last Sunday's sermon message from our pastor was on "Making Room for God's Miracles."  It was a timely message for us because we could so easily get bogged down on the details of the procedures and options we have to deal with, we just might squeeze out God factors.  So with that reminder we are making room for His appearance, if not in the matching donor, then in any other way God chooses to show Himself in -- go ahead and surprise us, Heavenly Father!

In the midst of all this, I have to also say that we already experienced God's miracles through the hands of our loved friends from the community. These miracles almost got squeezed out in the busy-ness of everything going on but yesterday's daily reading of the word had the following passage:

And whoever in the name of a disciple gives to one of these little ones even a cup of cold water to drink, truly I say to you, he shall not lose his reward." (Matthew 10:42)


This immediately reminded me of all the precious and caring hands from our friends and family supporting us in so many ways (prayer, email, texting, phone calls, hugs, dropping off delicious food, etc., which is definitely more than a cup of cold water!)

We are so very grateful for all of your walking this journey with us.

e@out patient: To Know or Not To Know

This posting comes with a delay not necessarily because I was busy (not to mention getting knocked out for a few days with a coughing cold) but because I needed some time to collect my thoughts first.  Too much has happened in last five weeks and with the latest biopsy we have come to a closure with the diagnosis.  Before this point, we were all anxious to find out what the root cause was and yet after finding out the diagnosis of severe aplastic anemia, one has to wonder which is worse -- not knowing or knowing what it is.  I do admit how deceitful, wicked, and opportunistic my mind is.

The doctors explained the treatment options and although they are confident to find the complete cure, the process itself for Ensay will mean a major change of lifestyle for a significant period and, as his dad, to ponder what may be going through his mind now and will then stirs my emotion wishing if there was a way to go through this in place of him I'd jump on that opportunity in a blink of an eye.  Did I tell you how proud I am of my son, to see him unwaveringly taking this rough ride while fixated on the goodness of God?

God comforted us through the daily Word from Psalm 34: 18: The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. 20: He keeps all his bones, Not one of them is broken. In light of one of the foremost treatments being the bone marrow transplant, can there be a better message from God than verse 20?  Not to mention the verse 18 which I had been treasuring for many years because every time I read it, I get a rush of His refreshing strength being transfused into my life stream; and this time was no exception to lift me up above the situation I'm in into rejoicing Him for who He is, bigger than any brokenhearted or spirit-crushing obstacles I may face.

WOW Report -- Many of you are continuously supporting and encouraging us with prayers, phone calls, emails, and dropping by with goodies.  If anyone tells you there are no miracles these days, tell them they are wrong because all of your caring touches miraculously transformed into extension of God's hand for our family. We would not be where we are today without you all.  We love you all!