e@atg: Day Three was Good

Please note:  Your prayer coverings made a huge difference for Ensay eliminating the initial reactions.  Although he is a bit weak he is doing well and so if you like to visit him please call or SMS Young Joo ahead (use the number you already have for her or, 650-242-5949) and stop by to cheer him up.

Ensay is handling the ATG treatment quite well and although the injection rate had been slowed down he is receiving the whole unit each day (except for day one) so things are looking good so far with the treatment.  With the SoCal trip and all I've only been able to make short visits and did not get to spend a lot of time with him but he seems a little down (could be the effect of the Benadryl) which is the overall scheme of things is totally understandable.

I PRAY that Ensay's spirit will continue to be uplifted and his heart will be filled with the peace that can only be filled by our Lord Jesus.

As I am reflecting on what's happened during last 1.5 months I really have to ask myself was this all for real?  I just cannot believe all this has and is happening to us but what's more unbelievable is that we are able to cope with and weather the turbulent storm without losing our minds.  At times God allows these storms in life that we cannot avoid for a special purpose but as I am writing this I'm still asking, "Was this really necessary?"

In today's reading, I ran across a guy named Obed-edom who also faced a situation he could not avoid and probably was asking the same question toward God.  When one of the Israelites was killed by God when he tried to uphold the ark which was about to tip over, everyone including David was filled with fear and decided abort the task of bringing in the ark into Jerusalem and instead leave it with Obed-edom.  Not exactly an honorable moment for him, however, God blessed him and all his household because they (somewhat reluctantly I'm sure) received the ark.  Somebody's always got to do the dirty job but when it is about receiving God's presence, then any dirty job will transform into a blessing of revealing His glory because God will never settle for anything less than that.

2 Samuel 6:10-11 --
10 And David was unwilling to move the ark of the LORD into the city of David with him; but David took it aside to the house of Obed-edom the Gittite.11 Thus the ark of the LORD remained in the house of Obed-edom the Gittite three months, and the LORD blessed Obed-edom and all his household.

It is not a walk in the park for the Kim Family here, but even with a bit of reluctance, we are committed to stay on course to receive God's presence in us through the "Wemail" (pronounced "wee-mail" which I just made up :-) messages He sends us through the Word because as we invite more of Him He will never settle for anything less than what He can and will do for us in the midst of our storms of life.

WOW Report -- Some of our friends have put together an extensive spreadsheet (google docs) for others to volunteer for food, rides for our children, etc.  Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed by such caring hearts even utilizing the high-tech.  WOW.

And today, I'd like to end with a story I started about a month ago about the mother duck visiting our front courtyard to lay her eggs.  Well, she hatched about 6+ ducklings.  I got to see them this year before they left.  Observing this process, I'm simply amazed (again) at God's design of bringing life into this world through a caring mother of a wild duck that arrived one day out of nowhere and then gone with the wind with her ducklings (but did not leave any thank you note).  How much more will that same God care for us?

e@atg: Day Two Looks Better

If you noticed how I sneaked in my SoCal trip with my girls in here and were thinking, "Wait a minute, this is not about Ensay," you are absolutely right.  However, when you experience the power of prayers from the loving community of believers like you I couldn't resist but to tap into it for our trip.  As I mentioned in the previous WOW Report your prayers already amazingly provided a tremendous support for Young Joo while I was away; and also granted the three of us a precious and smooth trip from start to finish.  This has been a confirmation that God is intimately with us through this chapter of our family.  Thank you for your partnership.

Day two for Ensay's treatment was a lot better.  The doctors suspended last night's treatment until this morning and although today's process took a significantly longer time to complete, there were no reactions to handle and Ensay felt much much better today.  I can't wait to see my lovely son tomorrow (we returned home at midnight so did not have a chance to see him today) to give him a high five!

Today, the author of Psalm 139 reminded me that God had formed Ensay's inward parts (bone marrow and all) and interwoven my son right inside his mother's womb.  What a comfort that is under the circumstances we are in because even though our most advanced practice of medicine cannot determine everything that's going on with Ensay's situation, our God knows it all exactly and He will search Ensay's heart, mind, and emotions to bring healing to lead him in everlasting way much beyond what we can imagine.  I am PRAYING for Ensay's physical comfort during this treatment and God has already been responding to that but He is not going to stop there but expand His coverage to the max -- everlastingly -- and that's a big WOW for the day!

Psalm 139:13, 23, 24 says:

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

e@atg: Day One, a Tough Beginning

Please note: During next 4-5 days please postpone your visitations.  We are so ever grateful for your concerns and wishing to stop by to cheer him up with prayers, but ATG treatment being what it is, we need to allow Ensay plenty of rest.

Before leaving for SoCal, I saw Ensay sleeping in his hospital bed this morning so I did not get to let him know in person that I will be thinking of him and praying for him as he starts on ATG treatment this afternoon.  While we were warned about a boat load of side effects from this treatment, I really hoped for a smooth start (and finish), however, his body reacted with hives and severe headache for them to pause the treatment.  Took some time to stabilize the reaction with hydracortisone and treatment resumed at a slower rate and that means each treatment will take much longer than 6 hours.

My aching heart reaches out to him from here in Souther California... along with his sisters.

God, please surround him with Your angels right now.  May his body relax, and his heart be filled with Your peace and comfort.  Please protect his organs.

Today's daily reading was about Jesus' statement in Matthew 15:11 -- It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man. I may be forcing an application from this passage but I PRAY that what enters into his blood system through ATG will not affect Ensay's firm standing and trust in God's word and His healing power ("out of his mouth").  This medication is making him miserable for sure, but please protect his physical and spiritual heart to be pure for You.


WOW Report -- Ensay's uncle, who is an MD from Minnesota flew in with a surprise visit this morning to personally encourage Ensay and to monitor how he was doing.  The timing of his visit could not have been better merely about an hour after I stopped by before heading down for SoCal leaving Young Joo alone to take care of Ensay through ATG treatment.  Although my brother-in-law will have to return tomorrow morning, I just praise God the provider (Jehovah Jireh) to meet our specific needs.  WOW!

e@atg: Objective

Some of you in the medical field may have a better explanation, but in laymen's term my understanding of ATG treatment is to remove or suppress the antibodies that are destroying the bone marrow allowing the body to normalize its generation of bone marrow.

We were told that ATG is a very strong medicine and will have many side effects and most likely to make Ensay feel pretty bad during the infusion.  I PRAY that during next 4-5 days, God's angels will minister to him so all the complications will diminish and Ensay will pass this first gate without any excitements.  I will be away on the road the first two days so I also PRAY for Young Joo to manage the situation without much stress and anxiety.

The PICC Line is to have a direct pipeline to his heart to inject medicine or draw blood without having to "poke" him every time.

Psalm 142:7 -- Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.

Dear God, just like this Psalmist's desire, please set Ensay free from his prison (whatever that may be) that he may praise Your name along with many witnesses for Your goodness.

WOW Report -- already several of you visited Ensay at LPCH and brought more food for our family.  We are praising God for how blessing us through you all.

e@atg: Step One

The bone marrow matching test came out negative for both Ensay's sisters.  So we are taking the next treatment path of ATG (Antithymocyte Globulin) starting tomorrow.  This afternoon, PICC Line was inserted to allow IV treatments and blood drawing easier for Ensay.  I observed this process while I tagged-teamed with Young Joo and it was an involved process of inserting a fine tube in his vein.  Ensay was so calm and tolerant of some pains involved in the process, I felt so proud of being there in front of the practitioners to watch him take it like a man.

I will follow up with more details later but the doctor did not want to delay the treatment especially after observing some of the hemorrhages mentioned previously.

I PRAY that ATG treatment will restore the balance in his bone marrow to start producing healthy blood cells again.  It will take several months to observe the effectiveness of this treatment, but we are going to surrender that part into God's hand.

e@hospital stay again: We're in Good Hands

The doctor discovered through the CT scan, small cerebral hemorrhages in several places, not just in one location.  Although they were not critical the doctor took the step to admit Ensay into hospital so they could sustain high level of platelets and hemoglobin cells.  When I visited him today, he looked a lot better and petechiae diminished noticeably.  I am giving total praise to God for all of your prayer covering over Ensay from around the world for allowing his doctor to make the laser-sharp decision to take the right actions before things got out of control (don't even want to think about the otherwise).  We are constantly receiving email messages, IMs, and phone calls from our friends (you) letting us know that they are praying for Ensay and our family.  Thank you for allowing us to experience God's miraculous power; and something tells me this is just a beginning.

In the midst of all this Hannah, my oldest, and I already made a plan to drive down and back this Saturday through Sunday to Southern California for her to participate in VOCE cello competition and since Ensay and mom may still be at the hospital, both of my daughters and I may go on this trip together.  I PRAY that we would have a wonderful time on this very quick in-n-out trip while Ensay will continue to strengthen.

From today's reading, Matthew 13:23 -- But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. -- God taught me how to pray for situation, as we wait for bone marrow matching results and subsequent treatment procedures, to ask for our hearts to become like the "good soil" so whichever course we take from here on that our hearts will harbor His words to produce multiplication of fruits according to His will.  Another insight from this parable is that God's miraculous power may seem only powerful 25% of the times until our good and fertile hearts begin to bring forth the abundant fruits to cover even the rest of the 75% to completely cover us all and then some.

WOW Report -- Tongue in cheek, I feel like our friends are "fighting" to help us by delivering us food and other goodies.  It is just amazing how precious all of your loving & caring hands are, touching us at the deepest parts of us very warmly.

e@prognosis: CT Scan #2

It was pretty rough night for Ensay as he had a terrible headache, some fever, nauseating, and vomiting throughout the night.  Today after getting his regular transfusion of RBC the doctor wanted to do a CT scan just to make sure there is no internal bleeding in his brain.  That was about 5:30pm when I got a call from my wife that a minor hemorrhage was detected but nothing urgent.  However the doctor wanted Ensay to check into the hospital so they may monitor him closely to keep the platelet and hemoglobin levels high.  A couple of days ago he complained about seeing a blurry spot in one of his eyes and so after seeing an eye doctor he confirmed a minor hemorrhage behind retina but this should clear up fairly soon.  The super-low levels of platelets is causing these anomalies and that's why the doctors wanted him to stay at the hospital.

So, Ensay and his mom are at the room next door to where he was last time at the Lucile Packard Children's Hospital and most likely will be there for a couple of days.

I am wondering why God's miracles don't come at God speed?  Then I realized God makes no mistakes so we must be on God speed right now and just like how Jesus took extra days before arriving to raise Lazarus out of the "stinking" tomb to glorify Himself, He must be doing that in our situation, too.  A part of me as I write this is thinking that I am just trying to comfort myself while the other half is saying please take my mustard seed faith of struggling to follow Your "narrow" ways and transform into magnifying Your power and glory.  Is this what You've been telling us about how Ensay's life will be used to lift You up?  May it be so.

This morning, thank You, God for speaking to both me and my wife through the exact same passage out of 1 Samuel 30:19 where after David and his 200 valiant warriors were crushed by finding out the Amalekites had captured all of their family members and live stocks, they sought after them by receiving God's approval.  And after catching up to them and defeating them they had restored everything without losing anything.  The passage says:

But nothing of theirs was missing, whether small or great, sons or daughters, spoil or anything that they had taken for themselves; David brought it all back.

We are both certain God had prepared our hearts for what we found out later in the day; but it doesn't end there.  He wanted to tell us that even though we seem to hit a set back, He is not going to lose anything and instead He is going to bring it all back (again to display His wonderful glory).

I PRAY that Ensay's heart will be protected from any discouragements and keeps planting his Hope in God's strength, and for the hemorrhage to stop and dissipate quickly without causing any issues.

P.S.  A close friend sent this passage, Ecclesiastes 3:25 -- The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; (NIV).

e@prognosis: Make Room for Miracle Maker

By definition, miracle begins when we are at end of our own ways and efforts; otherwise it is not a miracle but our own solution.  As the whole family is about to go in for a bone marrow compatibility testing this afternoon (the results will come out about a week later) to see if one of the members (mostly the siblings) is a matching bone marrow donor for Ensay, we are PRAYING for a miracle to take place, first because there really is nothing we can do to increase the odds, and second because we are at the end of our ropes as far as what we can do to beyond this process other than resorting to a less probable medication treatment and finally to look for an outside-family matching donor.

Last Sunday's sermon message from our pastor was on "Making Room for God's Miracles."  It was a timely message for us because we could so easily get bogged down on the details of the procedures and options we have to deal with, we just might squeeze out God factors.  So with that reminder we are making room for His appearance, if not in the matching donor, then in any other way God chooses to show Himself in -- go ahead and surprise us, Heavenly Father!

In the midst of all this, I have to also say that we already experienced God's miracles through the hands of our loved friends from the community. These miracles almost got squeezed out in the busy-ness of everything going on but yesterday's daily reading of the word had the following passage:

And whoever in the name of a disciple gives to one of these little ones even a cup of cold water to drink, truly I say to you, he shall not lose his reward." (Matthew 10:42)


This immediately reminded me of all the precious and caring hands from our friends and family supporting us in so many ways (prayer, email, texting, phone calls, hugs, dropping off delicious food, etc., which is definitely more than a cup of cold water!)

We are so very grateful for all of your walking this journey with us.

e@out patient: To Know or Not To Know

This posting comes with a delay not necessarily because I was busy (not to mention getting knocked out for a few days with a coughing cold) but because I needed some time to collect my thoughts first.  Too much has happened in last five weeks and with the latest biopsy we have come to a closure with the diagnosis.  Before this point, we were all anxious to find out what the root cause was and yet after finding out the diagnosis of severe aplastic anemia, one has to wonder which is worse -- not knowing or knowing what it is.  I do admit how deceitful, wicked, and opportunistic my mind is.

The doctors explained the treatment options and although they are confident to find the complete cure, the process itself for Ensay will mean a major change of lifestyle for a significant period and, as his dad, to ponder what may be going through his mind now and will then stirs my emotion wishing if there was a way to go through this in place of him I'd jump on that opportunity in a blink of an eye.  Did I tell you how proud I am of my son, to see him unwaveringly taking this rough ride while fixated on the goodness of God?

God comforted us through the daily Word from Psalm 34: 18: The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. 20: He keeps all his bones, Not one of them is broken. In light of one of the foremost treatments being the bone marrow transplant, can there be a better message from God than verse 20?  Not to mention the verse 18 which I had been treasuring for many years because every time I read it, I get a rush of His refreshing strength being transfused into my life stream; and this time was no exception to lift me up above the situation I'm in into rejoicing Him for who He is, bigger than any brokenhearted or spirit-crushing obstacles I may face.

WOW Report -- Many of you are continuously supporting and encouraging us with prayers, phone calls, emails, and dropping by with goodies.  If anyone tells you there are no miracles these days, tell them they are wrong because all of your caring touches miraculously transformed into extension of God's hand for our family. We would not be where we are today without you all.  We love you all!

e@out patient: Avoid ER, Especially on Weekends

Because the regular clinic was closed on Sunday Ensay was directed to ER to get transfusion; so when mom took him there, it took the whole day to get all the process done.  The ER has its own protocols and because our regular doctor could not put any orders in, everything took much longer to process.  But the transfusion was done smoothly and he was back at home by the evening.

We are waiting for the BMB report early this week, and many more questions to answer but at the same time requesting peaceful heart and mind from God because everything (and all the drills we go through) make us anxious more than anything.  On top of that, why does it have to happen right when we arrive at church (both my wife and I missed the worship services with this last-minute happening)?  When I tried to listen to my pastor's sermon online, the recording is not available this week due to some technical problems.  Boy, someone's really trying hard to distract us.

I PRAY for Ensay so he would stay encouraged and keep his spirit up.  He is indeed fearfully and wonderfully made by our Creator and  I need to remind him of that more often.  I love him so much, and proud of him witnessing how he's handling all the various situations.

e@out patient: Low Platelets

as soon as we arrived to church this morning ensay noticed some bleeding around his gum line as well as a spot on his tongue. because he also had a nose bleed this morning the doctor asked him to get to ER to get some
platelets transfused so his mom took him there while I stayed to teach my Sunday school.

I PRAY that his situation will stabilize soon.

e@out patient: Successfully Drawn BMB

the doctor just came out to notify us that biopsy procedure was completes successfully and he is waking up in the recovery room. he also mentioned that the samples look great and priliminary lab results will be out within next hour but full report will be out in couple of days.  So, we'll update you with the report as soon as we hear from the doctor.

I PRAY that he won't be on much pain in next few days.

e@out patient: got bone marrows?

Thanks to your prayers the transfusion went smoothly without any complications.

Early tomorrow morning is when the bone marrow biopsy is scheduled.  In order to rule out sampling errors the doctor is going to take from two different bones which means more pain for Ensay to endure afterwards.

I PRAY for all the doctors and staff to coordinate smoothly the overall process from registration, preparation, general anesthesia, extraction, and recovery; and to allow Ensay to have a peaceful heart.  Would you also show Yourself in this process for us to recognize that You are in control?

Psalm 139:12-14
Even the darkness is not dark to You, 
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.

e@out patient: got blood?

This has been a busy week already but it's not over yet.  Ensay is scheduled for a hemoglobin transfusion tomorrow followed by another bone marrow biopsy on Friday.  Would you pray that:

1. His body will not develop any allergic reaction to the transfusion
2. Bone marrow biopsy procedure will be smooth and he won't feel much pain afterwards
3. General anesthesia will be delivered and cleared cleanly without any side effects
4. His bone marrow to be found in sound state -- all the factories in good operations
5. Ensay's heart be protected and His indwelling Spirit to cover him with peace.

We so much rely on and appreciate your prayers.  Thank you!

e@out patient: A New Chapter

I feel like we're starting a new chapter now with Ensay's situation.  The change in condition may be due to the initial treatments' wearing off in his system but the doctors are concerned for not only low platelets but decreasing hemoglobin as well.

The platelet transfusion went almost smoothly but he developed some allergic reaction so he received some Benadryl which knocked him out and he still needs to be on it for 24 hours so he will need to rest some more today.  The poor guy is going through a lot these days and yet he keeps his spirit up so I am very grateful.  In fact, the "2 Cor 5:17" bracelet he wears allowed him to share God's word -- Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! -- with his doctor today when he asked what that was about.

The 20th anniversary lunch I was going to have with my wife turned into a more memorable day to reflect on how thankful we are each and every day with such a blessed family He's allowed us to enjoy each other with.  Besides, I got to spend the whole afternoon with my lover for 27 years!  Thank You, God.

I continue to PRAY that God's healing touch will work His miracles in Ensay's body to balace things back to normal down to every blood cell.

e@out patient: got platelets?

a month after our initial encounter with this phenomena we are still in the search mode of what is causing all this. in the mean time ensay has been seeing the doctor regularly and today his doctor decided to transfuse some platelets because it is almost non-existent in his blood system. this may be the cause for more petechiae inside his mouth.

this should increase the platelets providing more security and also to monitor the platelet counts over next few days. we are currently in the waiting room at LPCH for the platelet transfusion.

doctors may request another bone marrow biopsy next week to validate what is happening down in the "factory" level. I PRAY that the factory is very productive in a very healthy condition.

so as you can see, the situation has not changed much from a month ago. good news is, though, our God's faithfulness and His amazing power has not changed to be living and active in our lives since the beginning of times and that is what sustains us through all of these ups and downs.

in light of this season of Easter when Jesus gave His blood to save all mankind I am praying that His power in the blood will be transfused into ensay's blood stream.

e@home: Are We There Yet?

I remember the days whenever we take a family trip, our kids would ask, "Are we there yet?" every other minute.  They are anxious to reach the destination and wished they can travel through a time warp instead of traveling at 65 MPH in a car.  Right now, I am like that -- I'm asking God, "Are we out of the woods yet?"

We had another doctor's visit today, and bottom line is that his blood counts is pretty much the same while some of the counts are actually decreasing which raises some concerns.  However, without knowing the root cause, this concerns just stays as concerns.  "Are we there yet, God?" I asked today as I was returning from the doctor's office....  "Can we get this over with so we can move on with lives as Your children, to worship and please You?"

Deep down inside, His answer seems to resonate as, "This is a path I want your family to walk through.  Stay with me."  This is sort of like my saying to my kids on family trips, "Not yet, but we'll be there soon" because I knew how much longer it would take and I knew that once they reach there my kids would enjoy themselves very much.

We are going to stay with Him closely, every turn of the way.  I could sense Ensay's disappointment today also, but I'm just so proud of his positive attitude and continuing to abide in God.  His platelet counts are even lower so he just needs to be very careful about any bruises and cuts even more.

God comforted me from today's devotional passage, 1 Samuel 1:15-17 -- But Hannah replied, "No, my lord, I am a woman oppressed in spirit; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have poured out my soul before the LORD. Do not consider your maidservant as a worthless woman, for I have spoken until now out of my great concern and provocation." Then Eli answered and said, "Go in peace; and may the God of Israel grant your petition that you have asked of Him."

Despite Hannah's dead-end circumstance, she stayed with God and threw herself at Him.  And as how Eli blessed her, God grants her petition and Samuel is born whom God used mightily in those days.  God says to me, "Go in peace, and I will grant your petition (in My time) so Ensay will be used to bless God's graciousness in his generation.  By the way, his name Ensay, in Korean, means "gracious generation."

e@home: Quiet Spring Break

Many of your well-wishes and prayers are overwhelmingly encouraging us as we are still in a holding pattern not knowing the root cause.  Ensay and the rest of the family members are spending this week quietly at home during their Spring Break.  We had a half-plan of making a family trip but then I caught some serious cold virus and stayed home for two days.  So, this truly became our family's Spring break.

Ensay's been in good spirits, and have been taking care of himself very well; even participated in some running with his swim team.  It's so great to see him not letting the current situation to slow him down.  Reminds me of Joshua and Caleb who did not let the surrounding situation (ten other spies and the people who were so afraid to enter and conquer Canaan) to slow down their faith of serving God.

Dear God, I PRAY that Your presence in His life will bring healing in his soul and body so that he may stand up for You in the years to come.