Remembering the Goodness on March 21, 2015

A few days ago was the third-year mark of when my son was rushed to ER unfolding next two years with many uncertainties including his life here with us....  Through prayers of many reading this & much more, I firmly and gratefully believe God had granted complete healing in my son's life; and he is now enjoying his first year of college.

On this day, I praise His goodness on our family and anticipate how He will use us in His big plan.  He is good indeed!

STORY about this picture:  About two years ago, right in the middle of the "uncertain" journey, my son brought home a drinking cup filled with soil and asked us to water it because it was his bio project.  A little green thing sprouted up and then continued to grow.  We kept watering it and moved to a larger pot.  It was drying up lately so after watering it more regularly, four more leaves all of a sudden opened up widely a few days ago as if it, too, was celebrating the life God provides for us.  I don't recall being this happy to see a plant grow. :-)

The LORD gives both death and life; he brings some down to the grave but raises others up. -- 1sam26 NLT

e@cyclosporin: Days 338-449 -- Entering into Normal Ranges

Our family continues to thank all of you for the wonderful support.  Ensay's most recent CBC results showed that all critical aspects have entered the normal ranges.  While he is still under medication (50% reduced from the beginning) treatment, this was the second time since the whole thing has started.  We were so excited to hear this news and are continuing to PRAY for his stride into the road to recovery.

This summer, God led our family to be on a short-term mission trip to China.  By His provision and grace, all five of us were able to be on this trip together to take part in an awesome work He has started in this location we taught English for a week.  We saw how the vision of a few people crystallized into fruit-bearing ministry -- and we were so glad to have taken part of that.  Many of you supported our family for this trip and we're ever so grateful.

One of the verses that we treasured during trip was, Jeremiah 33:3 -- Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know. -- where God promises us to tell us awesome things which we do not know (in fact we cannot search for these).

We are still not sure why He allowed Ensay to walk this path in his life but clinging on to this passage, we continue to turn to God so He will reveal the purpose He has for Ensay.

e@cyclosporin: Days 225-338 -- When God is Late to His Appointment

It has been a slow but great progress for Ensay.  Because the blood tests were done every other week the process seemed slower, but his blood counts were increasing gradually and all of his counts had been within normal ranges for some time now, however still under the medication of cyclosporin.

The doctor started to wean him off the medication and thus far Ensay's body's been responding well and is sustaining the blood counts.  We truly praise God for allowing this healing.

Just over a year ago our family was in a drastically different situation upon Ensay's encountering of severe aplastic anemia.  But considering it all, we are in a situation that only God could have allowed us to be in today and we're very grateful for that.

Currently, the medication dosage had been reduced to about half of what he started out with and yet his body has been sustaining the blood counts.  We still have many months before he will be completely off the medication but we're definitely on a good path.  Many of your concerns and prayers have and are making a huge difference -- thank you all.

The "angel" gift from our daughter, Hannah, to mom is shown in the picture in front of this month's calendar picture of a lady giving praise and praying in front of a cross.  The inscription on the ornament reads, "God takes care of our needs and surrounds us by His Grace."  How appropriate it is for me to be reminded every day as I gaze upon this scene in our bathroom.

Additionally, in my daily reading from 1 Samuel 13:8 -- Now he waited seven days, according to the appointed time set by Samuel, but Samuel did not come to Gilgal; and the people were scattering from him. -- I was reminded that even when God is late to His appointment with me I need to stay on my course of trusting Him and not take matters into my own hands as if God had forgotten about me.  Saul, out fear, crossed his boundaries as a king disobeying God who desire obedience than sacrifices from us.  Many moment when I have felt God may have forgotten about our situation, I need to remember this passage a stay on course of pursuing after His heart without wavering.

e@cyclosporin: Days 144-185 -- Not Running on Empty

As we had just celebrated the Thanksgiving Day, I could not help but to remember my gratefulness toward all of you who supported us along this year's journey through the challenges.  I was also very shameful for not being diligent about blogging here with updates.  I am sorry.

My "engineer" inside me could not resist but plot the progression of Ensay's platelet counts just from early June and as I watched that graph, I said to myself: I have never plotted a more beautiful graph than this one! Neither has any other graph moved me more than this one because there was a concrete sign of God's miraculous work bringing Ensay's platelet counts from practically nothing to almost 120,000.  Please join me in praising our Creator and Provider in Heaven.

Ensay has been a super champ as he had always been to stay strong both physically and mentally through it all despite his inability to determine which way the curve will turn.  We are continuing to PRAY for his complete recovery from severe aplastic anemia even though we still have some ways to go on this journey.  We are also PRAYING that  God would pack in His special dose of grace into Ensay's heart to comfort and encourage him to stay strong.  He's been doing well with his class works, and helping out with his school's water polo team to manage the score board systems at the home games very judiciously.  He plays football with his friends on weekends and also goes to the gym often (and enjoys watching the TV while he's there :-).

As I was reflecting on the daily devotional reading of Matthew 25:9 -- ‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’ -- it dawned on me that what God deposited into our lives to use for His purpose will eventually run out and we need to use the resources wisely to completely fulfill the purpose He's given us to accomplish here on earth.  Disease like aplastic anemia can deplete the resources rapidly, but our own unwise decisions can do likewise.  As the graph above displays what God is depositing into Ensay's body to carry out His purposes, He is doing the same into all of our lives -- so we can live out the dreams He placed into our hearts without running out of oil.  Our prayer to all of our friends supporting us is that God's wisdom will lead and guide you with hope and bright future.

e@cyclosporin: Days 117-143 -- Fulfilling the Good Promise

It has been too long since I last wrote because my life lacked enough margin for me to post updates here.  Ensay goes in to do his blood count every other week and for last month and a half his platelet count has plateaued around 95,000 to 98,000.  While this is nothing to complain about (in fact, we were thankful for his sustaining), the level of anxiety nevertheless rose during this period.  However, last week's CBC result broke a significant milestone by passing the 100K mark of 107,000!

Ensay's been great at adjusting to the new school year even though he does feel fatigues here and there.  He's also been faithfully serving as the score keeper at the home water polo games.  I wish he were playing on the team, also, but I am sure that he wishes for that more than I do.

With Hannah busily preparing for the college application, etc. and my work for last 3 months consuming most of my time our home seems to have gotten all tangled up in a hurricane.  I am trying my best to keep my bearing straight to stay on course but it has been quite challenging  and I will have make some major adjustments in the short run until things stabilize.

In recent devotional reading of Jeremiah 29:10-11 (NIV) -- This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -- is full of hope and God's promise that will not fall short.  Even though the seventy years is not a short time, God will certainly bring forth His promises in His due time to restore, prosper with a bright future.  As I shared above, the momentary hesitation of Ensay's platelet count raised some anxiety but this passage of hope and future in God's plan definitely paved a new and fresh perspective for me to climb out of the rut.

I would like to thank you for persistently praying for Ensay's health and recovery.  We surely feel every strands of prayer lifted up through You all.

e@cyclosporin: Days 101-116 -- Both Transparent and Reflective

This week's CBC results continue to show Ensay's counts increasing in the right direction.  His platelet counts increased about half of what we've been seeing but his neutrophil (immune system) increased significantly.  As we anxiously wait for these CBC results every other week, we find our emotions fluctuating with the numbers we find out.  We are definitely grateful for the overall increasing of the counts but as fragile as our minds are we need to re-anchor our faith in His healing rather than mere medical treatment or how well Ensay takes care of his own health.  Perhaps it's also our impatience of wishing for Ensay's condition to recover quicker that what we're seeing.

The first two weeks of Ensay's junior year has been going well.  He decided to take a break from the water polo team this season so he may slowly ramp up getting his body back into shape.  I'm sure he was bummed out for not being part of the team, but I am PRAYING that this would be another defining moment in his life preparing for him to face challenges down the road to be a stronger person.

Last week's devotional reading on Ezekiel 1:28 -- As the appearance of the rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the appearance of the surrounding radiance. Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell on my face and heard a voice speaking.-- God's colorful hope and His glory was highlighted as the rainbow glitters in the backdrop of a gray clouds on a rainy day.  Many times the gray clouds alone bring gloomy feeling but when the sunlight hits the water molecules in front the clouds full spectrum of colors bursts out and transforms into a brighter atmosphere in a hurry.  As I think about how water molecules in the sky reflects the color spectrum I am also reminded that they can serve two purposes: 1) reflect the colorful rainbow from the sunlight, and 2) transparently let the sunlight through so that we can see the objects around us.

I am not alluding to the fact that we're not happy with Ensay's path to recovery -- we are very grateful -- but because of our fragile minds we cannot help but at times to focus on the gray-ness of our situations.  However, this passage reminded me to know that the circumstances of our lives however dark it may seem can be transformed when God's light shines on it to bring forth His colorful glory reflecting off our lives.  Our PRAYER as walk through this journey of our family is for God's glory to be reflected in the midst of His healing power in Ensay's life.  Additionally, we also PRAY that God's light of hope will shine through us as we become more transparent by minimizing our own fears and plans, yielding to His gracious plans for us.

e@cyclosporin: Days 79-87 -- Standing Up

Even though Ensay's immune system is still weak enough to contract viruses or bacteria much more readily, he has been extending his scope of activities more and more.  This week he volunteered as a scorekeeper at a local water polo tournament hosted at his high school pool for about eight hours straight.  He's been going to the gym more regularly (although not sure if he goes there to exercise or to watch the Olympics events on cable TV! :-).  Watching his mental strength growing beyond sustaining make me very proud of him.  He has been studying for the classes he's been making up from last school year and currently studying for a final exam coming up next Monday.  And as mentioned, he will be going on his High School youth group's retreat most of next week.  I PRAY that it will be a sweet time of encountering God there.

This week's CBC results show that his platelet counts went up another 10,000 to 86,000.  That is power of your prayers at work.  Other indicators all look good as well, and most of all, he has been feeling very well.  Now the doctor ordered CBC every other week.  We praise God for lightening all of our burdens (and our feeble worries) as we witness the gradual progress in Ensay's condition.

This week's devotional reading on 2 Peter 3:10 (NASB) -- But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, in which the heavens will pass away with a roar and the elements will be destroyed with intense heat, and the earth and its works will be burned up. -- reminded me of the 9/11 crisis of the Twin Towers in NYC.  As you well know, after the sky scraping Twin Towers crumbled down in flames and ashes, the rescue workers carefully comb through the rubble and to their surprise this piece of destroyed steel beam in form of a "cross" was discovered.  (If you like to read more about the background, please read this article from Washington Post. And here are other images of this cross.)  This cross has become one of the icon for this terrible act of terrorism that we will not forget and it will be placed in the 9/11 museum.  There are many angles to this cross but for me, based on 2 Peter 3:10, in light of God's eternal presence everything we treasure in this world will be nothing more than any element burning up in intense fire; and just like how in the midst of such a disastrous environment something of a value or something that stops us to reflect on life while blanketing our hearts with some comfort, peace, and hope, The Cross Jesus died on 2,000 years ago provides us with the same message -- that will be the only one standing up through the time and all sorts of ups and downs in human history.

To this Cross which stands forever I PRAY for our family's purpose be aligned, then yielded.  And to stay on this path for each member of our family to carry out the purpose-driven life, I ASK God's miraculous power, strength, and healing (especially for Ensay) to rest upon Kimfamily.org.  Thank You, God, for allowing us to taste a glimpse of Your power right in our family in and through the community of loving friends and saints.

e@cyclosporin: Days 74-78 -- Healer of Time

When what we take for granted all of a sudden feels thankful for, you know your life has taken a significant turn.  Because of low platelet counts Ensay could not visit the dentist's office until last week when he finally got the green light from his doctor to have his scaling done.  When's the last time you were grateful for getting your regular scaling done? or being able to ride a bicycle?  He finally got the OK from the doctors to ride his new bike that was collecting dust for last four months and that is just awesome.  Yesterday's CBC results showed his platelet counts up to 73,000 so we're still on the overall up-slope incline and I am happy to share that other counts are also stable or increasing.

Ensay will be attending his High School Youth group's summer retreat in a couple of weeks at a location about two hours from home.  Just about a month ago we weren't sure if he was able to go this far away from his doctor but now he is registered to attend.  I PRAY that he would have a safe trip, one where he will also experience God.

Yesterday's reading of 2 Kings 20:6 (NIV) -- I will add fifteen years to your life. And I will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria. I will defend this city for my sake and for the sake of my servant David.'" -- reminded me that no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to add (or take away) time. And yet, God has added fifteen years to King Hezekiah's life. It is truly in God that we would maximize the time we have in this world. Once we all come into this world, we all leave this place at certain point. So, it is not how long we live but how fully we live that matters most. God has, without a doubt, taught us this lesson during this time of embracing the situation at the Kimfamily.org and we're grateful in the midst of challenging circumstances.

In another passage from yesterday, 1 Peter 2:24 (NASB) -- He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. -- the eternal healing Jesus provided for us through the wounds He bore highlighted how Jesus went beyond the timeline we live in this world. He died and then lived again. As we have been praying for Ensay's healing God has revealed to us more than how He is capable of bringing physical healing but also how He has healed all of us by extending our physically limited life here on earth into eternity; and that's what we will rejoice over in addition to Ensay's improvements. In that eternity, I know that I will unite again with my father and my sister who had gone ahead of me as well as with my beloved family members once I join them because we all bought into what the Healer of Time has provided for us.

WOW Report: Last Saturday, when I walked in to my usual haircut place, I met another Brother in Christ serving in one of the church council in the Korean-speaking ministry (I belong to the English-speaking ministry). Because I had just joined the council recently, I was still learning the other members' names so I did not even memorized this person's full name. As we were both waiting for our turns we chatted a little and he first asked how my son was doing because he and the rest of the council members had been praying for him. I gave him the good report, and then after he got his haircut he left. About ten minutes later just before my turn came, he walked back into the place and then handed me a bag and said, "I got some (Korean) pastries for your son. Please take'em to him." I was speechless at first and thanked him. Ensay was very grateful and enjoyed them very much (as well as other family members!).

e@cyclosporin: Days 67-73 -- Source of Stability

The most recent blood count from yesterday showed great improvement in platelets. While 63,000 is still way below the normal range, it has doubled from last week and that's something to celebrate for sure. Other counts increased also and the doctors are very happy with Ensay's body responding to the treatment. As I mentioned before, though, we're not out of the woods yet because at the current levels, he is still vulnerable to virus infections and still needs to restrict from vigorous exercising and sports which he loves to play. I am PRAYING that he would be able to join the water polo team this fall.

About a month ago, when Ensay had some minor hemorrhages, he had developed a small blurry spot in his vision. Last week, the eye doctor examined his retina and told Ensay that the hemorrhage spot is almost gone and he doesn't need to come back for further examinations. Awesome!

I don't want to put my trust in "false hope" here but the whole family is very much excited about Ensay's incremental improvements. In today's devotional reading from Isaiah 33:6 -- And He will be the stability of your times, A wealth of salvation, wisdom and knowledge; The fear of the LORD is his treasure. -- I am comforted by the message of stability, wealth, wisdom, and knowledge, coming from treasuring the fear of the LORD. Deep down inside, as Ensay's condition is improving, my mind quickly shifts into a relaxing mode, trusting in the procedures and methods of the treatments so that they will bring stability to Ensay's health very soon. While I do believe in the treatments, I must first treasure the fear of the LORD; this is not the scary kind of fear but of honor and awesomeness of God and in the end, He is the one who will provide stability and wealth of life in Ensay such that His signature handyworks will be evident.

Please praise our God of Heaven who is in full control of Ensay's health and life going forward.

e@cyclosporin: Days 60-66 -- Land of Narnia

Yesterday's CBC showed great increase in hemoglobin and red blood cells while the platelets sustained the level.  Most particularly the reticulocytes (baby red blood cells, or RBCs) count looked very healthy signifying that his bone marrow is working over time to produce more RBCs above 6% of the RBCs.  (1% is the normal range.)  Needless to say, we were all very excited with this progress and are continuing to praise God for His healing touches in the deepest parts of Ensay's body.  I am PRAYING that this upward trend be sustained and his bone marrow factory be fully functioning to produce healthy reticulocytes into his blood stream.

A few weeks back when he was lying in bed at home with a lot of pain in his stomach and head, he asked me to read the book The Chronicles of Narnia -- The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe -- which I used to read for him when he was much younger.  So, I read for a few chapters as he listened quietly and it seemed to help taking his mind off his discomforts.  And I'm sure his two sisters coming by to listen in comforted him as well, just like his younger days when three of them were lying in bed listening to my reading this book for them as they imagined the various characters out of the book in their minds.  In fact, I was also imagining that just like how the Land of Narnia frozen by the Witches spell eventually thawed into the warm and lively land, how it would be appropriate for Ensay's "frozen" blood factory be warmed up to start producing blood cells.

Well, as the author, C. S. Lewis introduced the Lion to play a key role in restoring the Land of Narnia by sacrificing himself, we also have a figurehead, Jesus, whose shedding His blood as a sacrifice to provide a way out of our "frozen-up" world.  To this same Jesus, we had been surrendering Ensay's situation completely and we are rejoicing over the warmth gradually blanketing us over.

This week, this wave of warmth reached us in many channels, one of which was Young Joo's uncle and aunt from half around the world came for a visit while they were in Southern California.  They flew in for a half-day to meet our family to pass on the warmth which melted away the frigidness of our situation.  Again, the (global) community of supporters God surrounded us is simply amazing and in case you were wondering this was the WOW Report for this blog posting!

e@cyclosporin: Days 49-59 -- How Do You Spell Success?

As mentioned before, these days, no news truly means good news for Ensay.  He's been quite stable with his normal activities and relaxing at home since the school ended.  He does have to complete some of the classes and so spending some time on that as well.  The Cyclosporin treatment has been consistent and he hadn't needed a transfusion over a couple of weeks now because his body is producing blood cells to sustain or slightly increase the counts.  This is a real good news the doctors and we are all rejoicing over.  This is an early indication and we still need to monitor for a more weeks ahead but we are moving in the right direction and Cyclosporin treatment shows signs of success.  We are every grateful for all of your support in many ways and would like to convey to you that you played a very key role to bring Ensay to where he is today.

As of last Tuesday, his platelet count is at 35,000; hemoglobin at 8,300; white cell at 1,600; neutrophil at 1,100.

I began to ponder on the concept of success because think back to beginning of all this, we really did not have much idea of how successful the treatments will be.  First, we were hoping his two sisters' bone marrow would match but that did not happen.  Then, we clung on to God's power of healing such that Ensay's body will soon begin to generate healthy blood cells through this Cyclosporin treatment; and we helplessly watched Ensay receiving transfusion because his cell count was critically low.  What a relief it has been for the whole family to see Ensay sustaining and increasing the blood counts on his own.  We praised God for answering our prayers.  But even now, a lingering thoughts are:  Will this upward trend continue all the way?  How long will that take?  Will Ensay return to normal activities?  Unfortunately I do not have answers for these.

Past week's Bible reading included 2 Chronicles 26:5 (NASB) -- He [King Uzziah] continued to seek God in the days of Zechariah, who had understanding through the vision of God; and as long as he sought the Lord, God prospered him. -- where prosperity is defined to be the outcome of seeking God first.  In fact, King Uzziah was sixteen when he became King and reigned for fifty-two years, leading his people closer to God.  I am PRAYING that Ensay who happens to be sixteen years old now will also learn to seek God first in all that he does, especially right now as he is going through a life-changing course.  Based on this principle, even though I do not have the answers to the lingering questions mentioned above, I will also FIRST SEEK God and receive the outcome as His gracious blessings as we inch through this crisis at hand.  The measurement of success of the treatments will totally rely on whether we seek Him first or not because He is the one holds Ensay's future.


WOW Report -- the fact that our loving and caring friends do not get tired of supporting us by feeding us and praying along with us is really amazing.  Please share how we may pray with/for you by sending me an email yoon-at-kimfamily.org.

* Note on this day of July 4th, 2012:  I am so thankful for the freedom we have in this great nation.  My PRAYER for this nation is for more and more citizens will realize that we have the freedom to be all that we can be by freely seeking after God first.

e@cyclosporin: Days 42-48 -- Glimpse of Hope

As much as I wanted to blog more frequently with the latest updates, I am struggling to find a chunk of time to do that during the week days.  Continuing on from last posting, Ensay's blood counts have held its levels and just last Thursday the doctor excitedly notified us that his platelet counts have doubled to 21,000.  (Please keep in mind that normal range is 150,000 through 400,000 so we still have some ways to catch up.)  Needless to say, we were very pleased to hear that good news and wanted to convey the same excitement to you all because your prayers are being answered by our Healer.  I continue to PRAY that Ensay's bone marrow factory will produce more and more healthy blood cells.  His red blood cells are still in the low range but the doctor would like to hold off the transfusion to allow his body to produce extra red blood cells by attempting to normalize his system.  I will update you after Tuesday's blood count.

All in all, Ensay has been doing well and I can see that this news has boosted his spirit up even higher.  It's truly a time of praise for the Kimfamily.org and this day of June 21st, 2012 has been a memorable day for us.

It so happens, on that afternoon we had a consultation appointment with the bone marrow transplant group as a preparation for potentially going down that path in the future.  Even after hearing the good news from the doctor in the morning we still attended this appointment but when I heard Ensay explaining to the nurse that so far the ATG treatment he is on seems to be working, it brought sweet sense of peace and joy (for Young Joo as well).

Another significant event for the day was that our second mother duck who visited our front courtyard hatched her ducklings.  I did not see them like I did last time but I did hear the little creatures chirping when I left for work in the morning.  We were privileged to have provided the fertile nest twice this year and there is a mysterious joy of witnessing new lives come into this world according to God's design.

From this week's reading on 2 Kings 8:6 (NIV) -- The king asked the woman about it, and she told him. Then he assigned an official to her case and said to him, "Give back everything that belonged to her, including all the income from her land from the day she left the country until now." -- I was very encouraged by the message of when we follow God's instructions, He will be responsible for restoring all the "losses" we may face.  In this passage the Shunammite woman whose son Elisha had restored to life were instructed to exile to the land of Philistines to weather the famine in her land.  And when she returned, a string of events God orchestrated allowed the king to grant her the full restoration of all she had owned before.  This woman according to 2 Kings 4:8 possessed a lot of wealth and yet she followed the instruction of Elisha surrendering her possessions valuing her and her family's lives more.

Ensay was very involved in sports (water polo), and had wealth of strength and energy.  This passage almost conveys the fact that he is in exile away from the famine; and when he returns, God will restore everything he had before.  I PRAY that our family will be keen to hear God's instructions and follow them closely so that just like this woman, we also will experience God's wondrous restoration in Ensay's body and his life.

e@cyclosporin: Days 35-41 -- Still a Roller Coaster Ride

Ensay's blood counts (for platelet, red, and white blood cells) are still at lower levels, however, for last two weeks his platelet counts have sustained itself for him to not get transfusions.  This was truly a time of giving PRAISES!  Please keep in mind that although this is a great news, the doctors must observe for few more months to come to any conclusions so I continue to PRAY for his body to stabilize and pump out those blood cells.  Ensay's been doing well in general and after school went into the summer break last week, he's been more relaxed as well.

Just before school ended, our school district have identified a home tutor for Ensay and so we're very grateful and excited to have this teacher's assistance in completing the school requirements very soon.  Talk about PRAISE (#2):  This tutor was Ensay's history teacher from last year so they already know each other well.  And when this teacher visited our home for the first time to provide initial instructions, he noticed this quilt on our living room wall and asked whether we attend a church because he himself is a Christ follower attending one of the evangelical church near by.  This was very special to us not just because he shares the same faith but because it also sets a strong common bond to collaborate in this effort.  By the way, this quilt was a precious present brought to us by a close family of ours who is currently serving as a missionary overseas a couple of months before Ensay's health issue surfaced.  These three words, "God is Faithful," hung in our living room spoke to us loudly with authority during the initial weeks into our family crisis, setting our spiritual bearing on His faithfulness away from our anxiety.

In fact, in this week's reading of 1 Kings 19:2-4 (NIV) -- So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, "May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them." Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there,  while he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, Lord," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." -- affirmed us that no matter how much of a mighty power of God I may experience, when I shift my focus off His faithfulness to the voices of the circumstances I am facing, then I will fall prey to the fear and discouragements just like Elijah mentioned in this passage (who was a mighty prophet of God).

We certainly are grateful for Ensay's current condition but we still feel like we're in the roller coaster ride, going up and down, up and down.  Lately it's been the fatigue resulting from running hard last few months which has been draining us and at times felt like Elijah under the broom bush, simply overwhelmed with everything going on, and perhaps focusing too much of the voices of the circumstance we are in.  So  we continue to PRAY that we lock our focus on His faithfulness.

WOW Report -- Just today, one of the respected parent of our friends shared with me that she checks my blog every morning before praying for Ensay's healing.  What a humbly experience that was (not to mention that I should update my blog more frequently!) with gratitude.  Friends are still dropping off food according to the sign-up schedule and deeply touches all five of us.  Two instances, mothers in their last trimester brought food for us even when they themselves have difficulty moving about.  Thank you everyone.

e@cyclosporin: Days 27-34 -- Fabric of Community

Some updates first.  The school district finally identified and assigned a tutor to assist Ensay with completing the class works over the summer.  Thankfully, Ensay had attended school as much as he could in between all the hospital visits so in some classes he actually completed within this semester in good standings.  In some other classes this tutor will work with him to complete.  Normally, aplastic anemia patients are not permitted to go to school (due to low immune system) but because Ensay's strength both physically and mentally, the doctor allowed him to finish off the class works as much as he could handle.  God has indeed blessed me and my wife, Young Joo, with a son who won't give up easily when faced with challenges of life.

Even though the doctor cannot jump to any conclusions yet, he's been encouraged to see some of the recent blood counts and most of all Ensay's condition has not deteriorated by any means.  I am continuing to PRAY that his bone marrow will be jammed with healthy cells which in turn will produce healthy blood cells.

School year ended today, so the summer schedule would alleviate some of the time constraints and will definitely provide some room for him to relax and let his mind and body to think and work on nothing other than generating some blood!

While we had no urgent issues (such as bleeding), at times my wife and I feel drained because we feel like we're just riding a stationary bike (going no where but working super hard).  But your support and encouragements have kept our minds clear and the warmth of your care melted away the stiffness of facing the unknowns and at times frustration of just being in the state we're in.

When someone from 1+ hour drops off (still hot) food at our house with little ones in the car, deep corner of our hearts are touched and truly thank God for putting such wonderful people around us.  Last Sunday, we attended our small group after a few weeks of missing it and as we were returning home we felt recharged emotionally not because anything special happened but just the fact that we were strengthening each other through fellowship and prayer.  Very appropriately, today's reading on Ecclesiastes 4:9,10 --
9 Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.10 For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. -- touches on this very principle for the Fabric of Community and I want you all to know that this passage refers to you all.  May God bless you and your family!

e@cyclosporin: Day 23-26 -- Unknowns > Knowns

I would like to report some good news with you first. We just got a call from Ensay's in-home tutor selected by the school district who happens to be one of his teacher from last year. I am PRAYING that this teacher and Ensay will collaborate wonderfully to both catch up on classes as well as boosting up Ensay's confidence. Ensay's platelet counts are sustaining better and that means less platelet transfusions for him! on top of that even when platelet counts go down his body is showing less petechiae and bleedings.  So, even though we had not seen a breakthrough in the root of the problem, we are most grateful for the progress in Ensay's overall condition.  Your prayers are making a huge difference and we thank you.

On a lower note (literally), Ensay's neutrophil count has been decreasing to 500 which leaves him vulnerable to infections just from what's going around in the air.  So, if he runs some fever, then he needs to be hospitalized ASAP.  So far, he's been doing fine, but we are PRAYING for a bubble of protection around him at all times and for his neutrophil counts to increase.

Ensay has been going to school as much as he can, and also attended Sunday worship services for last two weeks.  We are all very thankful to see him fully engaged in daily routines.

Worth repeating our gratitude:  The wonderful support from you with the rides for our children, dropping off delicious food for us to enjoy while relieving from a day filled with hospital visits.  Beyond the physical feeding, your support has been refreshing our souls also.  Thank you!

Reflection on how we have more unknowns than knowns:
While I knew that there are more unknowns than knowns in this world, I always thought we knew enough to carry on with our lives.  However, having gone through this situation with Ensay, I've become a firm believer that what we do know is just a drop in a bucket with respect to what is really out there in this world I live in.  Even one of the most advanced medical centers in the world struggled with this same issue when trying to diagnose Ensay's health condition because there were more unknowns than what they had discovered thus far -- which is still the case right now as we patiently await Ensay's healing.

This definitely was a reality check for me but then as I thought about it some more the fact that I know very little about what is going on today and what will come tomorrow is what really keeps me going.  If I had figured most of it out, then what is the true purpose of living?  It'll be like watching a movie knowing how it ends, or a soccer game knowing which team wins.  The fact that I do not know what is to come gives me the opportunity to attain hope and live by that hope.  Again, it's like the unknown of the game's outcome is what excites the process of watching the game.

One of the daily readings from this week was:  For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. (Romans 8:24, 25 NASB)

Going back to the game analogy, the source of excitement is not only from the unknown of the outcome but is also from cheering on of your favorite team.  If I did not care of the teams playing, then there is no incentive for me to watch the game in the first place.  So, in addition to having the hope in the unknown future, having a hope in something certain to cheer on is also necessary for me to have a meaning of heading into the future despite the unclarity.  So, as the passage from Romans says, I will with perseverance wait eagerly for God's hope to come alive in my family's situation revealing His glory.

e@cyclosporin: Day 17-22 -- Reverse Psychology of the Blue Frog

Many people have asked me the question, "How's Ensay doing?" and I can tell you how appreciative I am for your great concerns and prayers; enough for you to ask how Ensay is doing.  As much as I wanted to make my response succinct and clear, I end up saying something gray-ish like, "He is doing well and yet the root of the problem has not made any progress."  So you may have wondered, "So, does it mean he is ok or he is not ok?"  He is doing ok when it comes to his body reacting to the medication treatment and transfusions had not caused much allergic reactions, and he has been sleeping well (and his parents, too!).  However he has not been doing ok when it comes to his bone marrow producing enough platelets and red blood cells.

Ensay's spirit's been very positive and at times his great attitude even surprises me (in a good way) and I am very thankful to see that in him.  For example, when he prays, he lifts up another little girl he met at the hospital who is going through chemotherapy.  Some how I feel like God will honor his prayers for that girl a lot more because it came out from his own similar personal encounters.

He has also been attending school classes a few more times and I can see how he is excited to go despite the fact that he needs to catch up on a lot of work and he faces the risks of catching some contagious germs from being in a crowd of people.  We are still waiting for the school district to find him a tutor but with the year-end busyness and identifying the qualified tutor this process has been delayed for two weeks already.

Yesterday, his PICC Line was removed which should be a relief for him to always be careful with his right arm but now he needs to be "poked" every time they do a CBC.

The continuous out-pouring of our friends' support of providing rides to our children, and bringing food from all over the greater Bay Area locations have ministered to our family in deepest ways.  We're the true recipients of the "power of caring community."  It just humbles us tremendously.

Reflection on Reverse Psychology:
As I tell my kids to not "waste" their time on Facebook, they seem to be on it more.  Do you know what I mean, teenager parents?  So, I am thinking that I should try the reverse psychology of telling them to spend as much as they want on Facebook in hopes of lowering their interest by subduing the focus of it.  May be they'll lose interest because it's no longer highlighted.  I haven't tried this yet so I'll tell you how it goes if decide to give it a try.

In Friday's reading in 1 Kings 11:2 -- They were from nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, "You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods." Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. -- I see that King Solomon did exactly what God told him not to do even though later in his life he realized his faults and regretted his wrong choices.  Despite God's warnings he "nevertheless" went after his own desires.  Should God have used reverse psychology on him, I wondered?

Applying this thought to my current circumstance with Ensay, I am wondering if God is applying the reverse psychology on me by putting me into this position where I can naturally doubt His love and grace for me just so that I would turn to Him even stronger "nevertheless" the tendency to pull away from Him.  For those familiar with the Korean folktale of the Blue Frog (청개구리), you know what I mean here and as I never wanted to be the Blue Frog to my parents, I certainly don't want to be one to my Heavenly Father.

e@cyclosporin Day 15-16: Power in the Blood

Thank you for the prayers about Ensay's finishing his school year strong despite the set backs he faced in last two months.  He still needs to visit the hospital twice a week to receive transfusion of platelets and red blood cells because his body (bone marrow) is still not producing them.  Including all the waiting times in between lab tests it can take up to 12 hours in the hospital to receive the transfusions.  The previous test results showed his white blood cells to have dipped down a little so the doctor told us to bring him in if he runs a fever (i.e., due to low immune system, he is susceptible to infections).  I am continuously PRAYING that his bone marrow factory will go into normal operations and for God to put a shield of protection around him against germs so he stays healthy.

Reflection:

The many hours of receiving the transfusion, especially the red blood cells (as seen in the picture included), provide solitary moments to reflect on a lot of things of which the value and the life our blood carries.  We are grateful to all the blood donors because in essence their donated blood is what is sustaining Ensay's life.  As I write this, my mind is still in state of denial but that is our reality.  While we're clinging on to the hope and promises God laid in our hearts about this situation when you see this big boy lying in the hospital bed receiving the blood for many hours at a time because his body cannot produce it on its own, it is unavoidable for us to fall into moments of disbelief in everything we had held on to  because when life and death stares straight at you head on it shakes the whole world upside down (a few times!).

Many years ago when I was helping set up the sound system for a small performance, as I was holding on to the power cable to one of the equipment I asked, "Where's the power?"  To my surprise one of the musicians replied, "The power's in the blood!"  That funny response, however, stuck with me all these years because he was absolutely right.  The power is in the blood because: 1) our body needs the blood and that is why blood is used to signify life in us; and 2) we need the blood of Jesus to have a vibrant spiritual life now in this world and the world to come.  As much as our physical life needs the (red) blood to keep us alive, we also need to have the blood Jesus gave us flowing through our souls in order to keep us alive spiritually.

Yesterday's daily reading was on 2 Thessalonians 2:16 -- Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who has loved us and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace, comfort and strengthen your hearts in every good work and word.  I underlined "grace" because that is the hinge holding together everything else mentioned in this passage.  Just like the graciousness of the blood donors giving, Ensay is benefiting immensely, the graciousness of God's giving us the lifeline is the key to our having eternal comfort, good hope, and strengths.  Without His grace, there isn't much more to talk about.

The power is indeed in His blood, through His grace.  And that's where we are going to anchor our hope while strengthening our hearts against all the storms come our way.  Thank you all for journeying with us with amazing support.

e@cyclosporin: Day 10-14 -- Leaving an Impression

We are very glad for Ensay's body to have adjusted to the medication he started on and he hadn't encountered any more reactions.  Overall he's been in good spirits and sleeping much better at night times.  He still goes into the clinic regularly each week to do the blood test and transfusions as needed.  To my layman's eyes the lab reports are all over the place and do not clearly see which direction the progress is heading toward but one thing for sure is that things have not declined significantly and so far the doctor shares a positive outlook.  I can confidently say that your prayers have kept the dark clouds at bay, letting His sun (or is it Son) shine right through to us even through these very uncertain period of just (seems to me like aimlessly) waiting.  God desires for us to keep our head up high and to look to Him while there is another force that wants us to clam up into the dark corners; so we're very grateful for your support because they are sustaining us to stand firm in His promises for us.

With only about three weeks left in the school year, Ensay has been concerned about catching up with his school works and even though the school district's been trying hard to identify the tutor we are still waiting.  In the mean time, Ensay was able to attend some of the classes and begun to dig into the classworks and it is really great to see him take that initiative.  Thankfully many of the teachers "love" him and are eager to provide help -- as an example one teacher recruited one of the upperclassman to tutor him.  I PRAY that his motivation to finish strong in the classworks will continue and appropriate helpers will spring forth in no time.  I also PRAY that his kidneys and liver are protected from the strong medication he is on now.

A Funny Story & My Reflection
Just as the anesthesiologist begun the general anesthesia for the second bone marrow biopsy procedure, she begin asking him questions to see when he would fall asleep.  After a few questions of this and that, it came to the question: "Is your mom a good cook?"  We were both in the procedure room listening to this and he was looking at us as the sleeping agent was already at work, he answered along the lines of: "Once in a while when dad shows up to cook, he shows who's the boss."  How odd a response that was, but then, he fell asleep, so an opportunity for clarification has vanished.  NOW, let me just make it clear to everyone that I neither cook much at home nor come anywhere close to Young Joo's cooking skills.  So this is not about feeling good about getting the recognition, but to my surprise, what even gave him a glimpse of such a thinking (ok ok, so he was under the influence; and that's why I call this my "reflection" :-).  The only thing I can think of is the few instances that I did cook for my kids utilizing some of the self-taught culinary skills honed in to be meat-rich, veggie-less, and salt-friendly which must have left him an impression.  (So I wish.)  Isn't it true that we retain those impressionable moments not necessary based on the frequency of happening but because it just takes that one impression to last a life time?

Today's reading from 1 Chronicles 29:11-13 touches on leaving an impressionable moment.  It reads: Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all.  Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all. Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name.

This is David's prayer after Solomon, his son, takes the throne with all the materials David prepared for him to build God's temple, and the people willingly made lots of offerings as well.  He could have been satisfied with his achievements and to pass on the legacy to his son, but no, he recognized and praised God's greatness and His splendor for everything.  He professes that wealth and honor come from Him and that he would praise God's glorious name.

I would love to know one day, that Young Joo's and my love for God would be recognized by my children based on the impression left deep inside their hearts.

e@cyclosporin: Day 6-9: Power of Memory

Against my will of updating this blog daily, days are packed with many tasks and activities days are slipping by quickly before I could get on this blog.  As you can imagine, this means nothing major has happened so that is a good thing; but it also means accumulation of fatigue has somewhat caught up with us at the same time to keep up with everything.  We are doing fine, but just wanted to give you an idea.

Ensay's found a smooth routine for taking the medication, measuring the blood pressure, flushing the PICC Line, keeping hydrated, and resting as much as he can.  A lot of these are assisted by his head nurse (mom!) with the greatest care.  Ensay is still making three trips to the hospital per week to do the CBC, transfusion, or to see his doctor but on the whole he's had no serious reactions and sleeps without much interruptions.  Appreciate your laser-focused prayers to alleviate him from the nightmares.

So far, it is still premature to seek a clear indication from the blood counts, but using the Olympics analogy, we realize this is a marathon and not a 100m dash so we are trying very hard not to react to each every readings various reports.  This is definitely an aggressive training for us to keep our eyes on Him who is in full control of the situation.  Sad to report that our son is doing a much better job at this than his parents.  (Wait, that's really not sad but happy, isn't it?!  But you know what I mean.)

As for the hemorrhage in his eye, the doctor confirmed it to be diminishing in size, which is a great progress, and it is not in a critical location behind retina to be too concerned.  However, there is a chance that it may leave a permanent blurry spot.  So, I am going PRAY for that hemorrhage to dissipate cleanly and completely.

Good news and a Reflection:  Ensay went to school for the whole day on last Thursday.  We were not sure if he would sustain the whole day but he did fine even though we could see him a bit tired that evening.  I am most grateful for his positive attitude in making the best out of the situations he is in.  That morning when Young Joo dropped him off at school, her eyes swelled up with tears because she was so proud to see him taking the proactive steps forward even after such a set back.  I keep linking back to his younger days and when she told me that, I remembered the first day we dropped him off at the pre-school and watching him bravely walk into the classroom all by himself.  Some of you may relate to that mushy feeling inside as you gaze into such a scene.  Then I realized those precious moments of witnessing his growing into a new phase is what keeps making these memory flashbacks to take place.  It is as if these special moments add another thread into the fabric of family.  Without such memories, heart-to-heart ties may not be strong.  Without such a memory for me, when my wife told me about Thursday morning when she saw Ensay go into school after missing it for more than a week, I am sure I would have been proud of him but would have lacked the depth of my love for him accumulated over the years.  I just saw a new angle to the power of memory and how I need to continue adding more threads to my family's fabric by intentionally facilitating moments noteworthy to store into my memory bank.

From this week's daily reading on Matthew 26:64 --
"You have said so," Jesus replied. "But I say to all of you: From now on you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven." -- was really a quote from the Old Testament's Daniel 7:13 -- "In my vision at night I looked, and there before me was one like a son of man, coming with the clouds of heaven. He approached the Ancient of Days and was led into his presence.  These two period span more than 500 years and to see Daniel's prophecy come true after so many years is a strength to know that our God spans the time space we live in.  His promises will never fail just like this sun in the picture that rises every morning without failure.  This picture is from when our family went to a near by pond to have Easter sunrise worship.  Many things were unknown with Ensay's situation then, so we lifted him up for the power of His resurrection signified by this sunrise to shine on him with a touch of healing in his blood system.

WOW Report -- This is not new, but we're continuously WOWed by the community of friends bringing (quite delicious, I might add) food for us to eat from far places as well.  We're very much touched by all of your loving hearts (and hands).  Email messages of letting us know your are covering us with your prayers are very much strengthening us also.  WOW.

e@cyclosporin: Day 3-5 -- Bumpy Start

I'm not sure how the last two days passed by.  As a result of many factors at play -- Change of environment from the hospital room to home, Starting on Cyclosporin pills, and After effects from ATG treatment -- Ensay had a couple of miserable days and sleepless nights.  He was nauseated with some stomach aches (most likely due to constipation), at times with some headaches.  He was wondering why he was not still at the hospital when he is feeling so bad.  We told him that on Monday he can ask that same question to his doctor and in the mean time we will have to hang in there.  On Monday, the doctor pointed out that these side effects are most likely caused by ATG being active in his body and told him to take Magnesium citrate to relieve his stomach and happy to report it worked explosively well.  Since then he's been feeling much better and after day's rest he resumed the Cyclosporin tonight.

I am also happy report that the doctors are seeing some positive signs from the preliminary test results from Monday.  Please know that your prayers are at work here @ Kimfamily.org!

During the nights when Ensay could not really sleep due to discomforts, Young Joo (mostly) and I were up with him trying to help in any way possible, feeling so helpless because there really wasn't much we could do besides laying our hands on him and praying for the pains to be lifted.  While this was not a pleasant situation it nevertheless reminded of the days when he was a newborn keeping us (again, mostly Young Joo) up and night. The only difference then and now was, his method of communication.  Back then, he just cried and cried in incomprehensible words, but this time he was communicating his pain through his facial expressions and comprehensible words even mixing in his full emotions by crying out, "Help me!" (which he spoke in Korean, "살려주세요!" is more like saying "Save me!") while reaching out to hold my hand....

In today's reading in Psalm 32:3,7 I found these passages:

When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Lord will hide Ensay in His special place protecting his bones from wasting away.  He will surround him with songs of deliverance.  In fact, we are going to have some family praise time starting tomorrow.