e@cyclosporin Day 15-16: Power in the Blood

Thank you for the prayers about Ensay's finishing his school year strong despite the set backs he faced in last two months.  He still needs to visit the hospital twice a week to receive transfusion of platelets and red blood cells because his body (bone marrow) is still not producing them.  Including all the waiting times in between lab tests it can take up to 12 hours in the hospital to receive the transfusions.  The previous test results showed his white blood cells to have dipped down a little so the doctor told us to bring him in if he runs a fever (i.e., due to low immune system, he is susceptible to infections).  I am continuously PRAYING that his bone marrow factory will go into normal operations and for God to put a shield of protection around him against germs so he stays healthy.

Reflection:

The many hours of receiving the transfusion, especially the red blood cells (as seen in the picture included), provide solitary moments to reflect on a lot of things of which the value and the life our blood carries.  We are grateful to all the blood donors because in essence their donated blood is what is sustaining Ensay's life.  As I write this, my mind is still in state of denial but that is our reality.  While we're clinging on to the hope and promises God laid in our hearts about this situation when you see this big boy lying in the hospital bed receiving the blood for many hours at a time because his body cannot produce it on its own, it is unavoidable for us to fall into moments of disbelief in everything we had held on to  because when life and death stares straight at you head on it shakes the whole world upside down (a few times!).

Many years ago when I was helping set up the sound system for a small performance, as I was holding on to the power cable to one of the equipment I asked, "Where's the power?"  To my surprise one of the musicians replied, "The power's in the blood!"  That funny response, however, stuck with me all these years because he was absolutely right.  The power is in the blood because: 1) our body needs the blood and that is why blood is used to signify life in us; and 2) we need the blood of Jesus to have a vibrant spiritual life now in this world and the world to come.  As much as our physical life needs the (red) blood to keep us alive, we also need to have the blood Jesus gave us flowing through our souls in order to keep us alive spiritually.

Yesterday's daily reading was on 2 Thessalonians 2:16 -- Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who has loved us and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace, comfort and strengthen your hearts in every good work and word.  I underlined "grace" because that is the hinge holding together everything else mentioned in this passage.  Just like the graciousness of the blood donors giving, Ensay is benefiting immensely, the graciousness of God's giving us the lifeline is the key to our having eternal comfort, good hope, and strengths.  Without His grace, there isn't much more to talk about.

The power is indeed in His blood, through His grace.  And that's where we are going to anchor our hope while strengthening our hearts against all the storms come our way.  Thank you all for journeying with us with amazing support.

e@cyclosporin: Day 10-14 -- Leaving an Impression

We are very glad for Ensay's body to have adjusted to the medication he started on and he hadn't encountered any more reactions.  Overall he's been in good spirits and sleeping much better at night times.  He still goes into the clinic regularly each week to do the blood test and transfusions as needed.  To my layman's eyes the lab reports are all over the place and do not clearly see which direction the progress is heading toward but one thing for sure is that things have not declined significantly and so far the doctor shares a positive outlook.  I can confidently say that your prayers have kept the dark clouds at bay, letting His sun (or is it Son) shine right through to us even through these very uncertain period of just (seems to me like aimlessly) waiting.  God desires for us to keep our head up high and to look to Him while there is another force that wants us to clam up into the dark corners; so we're very grateful for your support because they are sustaining us to stand firm in His promises for us.

With only about three weeks left in the school year, Ensay has been concerned about catching up with his school works and even though the school district's been trying hard to identify the tutor we are still waiting.  In the mean time, Ensay was able to attend some of the classes and begun to dig into the classworks and it is really great to see him take that initiative.  Thankfully many of the teachers "love" him and are eager to provide help -- as an example one teacher recruited one of the upperclassman to tutor him.  I PRAY that his motivation to finish strong in the classworks will continue and appropriate helpers will spring forth in no time.  I also PRAY that his kidneys and liver are protected from the strong medication he is on now.

A Funny Story & My Reflection
Just as the anesthesiologist begun the general anesthesia for the second bone marrow biopsy procedure, she begin asking him questions to see when he would fall asleep.  After a few questions of this and that, it came to the question: "Is your mom a good cook?"  We were both in the procedure room listening to this and he was looking at us as the sleeping agent was already at work, he answered along the lines of: "Once in a while when dad shows up to cook, he shows who's the boss."  How odd a response that was, but then, he fell asleep, so an opportunity for clarification has vanished.  NOW, let me just make it clear to everyone that I neither cook much at home nor come anywhere close to Young Joo's cooking skills.  So this is not about feeling good about getting the recognition, but to my surprise, what even gave him a glimpse of such a thinking (ok ok, so he was under the influence; and that's why I call this my "reflection" :-).  The only thing I can think of is the few instances that I did cook for my kids utilizing some of the self-taught culinary skills honed in to be meat-rich, veggie-less, and salt-friendly which must have left him an impression.  (So I wish.)  Isn't it true that we retain those impressionable moments not necessary based on the frequency of happening but because it just takes that one impression to last a life time?

Today's reading from 1 Chronicles 29:11-13 touches on leaving an impressionable moment.  It reads: Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all.  Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all. Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name.

This is David's prayer after Solomon, his son, takes the throne with all the materials David prepared for him to build God's temple, and the people willingly made lots of offerings as well.  He could have been satisfied with his achievements and to pass on the legacy to his son, but no, he recognized and praised God's greatness and His splendor for everything.  He professes that wealth and honor come from Him and that he would praise God's glorious name.

I would love to know one day, that Young Joo's and my love for God would be recognized by my children based on the impression left deep inside their hearts.

e@cyclosporin: Day 6-9: Power of Memory

Against my will of updating this blog daily, days are packed with many tasks and activities days are slipping by quickly before I could get on this blog.  As you can imagine, this means nothing major has happened so that is a good thing; but it also means accumulation of fatigue has somewhat caught up with us at the same time to keep up with everything.  We are doing fine, but just wanted to give you an idea.

Ensay's found a smooth routine for taking the medication, measuring the blood pressure, flushing the PICC Line, keeping hydrated, and resting as much as he can.  A lot of these are assisted by his head nurse (mom!) with the greatest care.  Ensay is still making three trips to the hospital per week to do the CBC, transfusion, or to see his doctor but on the whole he's had no serious reactions and sleeps without much interruptions.  Appreciate your laser-focused prayers to alleviate him from the nightmares.

So far, it is still premature to seek a clear indication from the blood counts, but using the Olympics analogy, we realize this is a marathon and not a 100m dash so we are trying very hard not to react to each every readings various reports.  This is definitely an aggressive training for us to keep our eyes on Him who is in full control of the situation.  Sad to report that our son is doing a much better job at this than his parents.  (Wait, that's really not sad but happy, isn't it?!  But you know what I mean.)

As for the hemorrhage in his eye, the doctor confirmed it to be diminishing in size, which is a great progress, and it is not in a critical location behind retina to be too concerned.  However, there is a chance that it may leave a permanent blurry spot.  So, I am going PRAY for that hemorrhage to dissipate cleanly and completely.

Good news and a Reflection:  Ensay went to school for the whole day on last Thursday.  We were not sure if he would sustain the whole day but he did fine even though we could see him a bit tired that evening.  I am most grateful for his positive attitude in making the best out of the situations he is in.  That morning when Young Joo dropped him off at school, her eyes swelled up with tears because she was so proud to see him taking the proactive steps forward even after such a set back.  I keep linking back to his younger days and when she told me that, I remembered the first day we dropped him off at the pre-school and watching him bravely walk into the classroom all by himself.  Some of you may relate to that mushy feeling inside as you gaze into such a scene.  Then I realized those precious moments of witnessing his growing into a new phase is what keeps making these memory flashbacks to take place.  It is as if these special moments add another thread into the fabric of family.  Without such memories, heart-to-heart ties may not be strong.  Without such a memory for me, when my wife told me about Thursday morning when she saw Ensay go into school after missing it for more than a week, I am sure I would have been proud of him but would have lacked the depth of my love for him accumulated over the years.  I just saw a new angle to the power of memory and how I need to continue adding more threads to my family's fabric by intentionally facilitating moments noteworthy to store into my memory bank.

From this week's daily reading on Matthew 26:64 --
"You have said so," Jesus replied. "But I say to all of you: From now on you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven." -- was really a quote from the Old Testament's Daniel 7:13 -- "In my vision at night I looked, and there before me was one like a son of man, coming with the clouds of heaven. He approached the Ancient of Days and was led into his presence.  These two period span more than 500 years and to see Daniel's prophecy come true after so many years is a strength to know that our God spans the time space we live in.  His promises will never fail just like this sun in the picture that rises every morning without failure.  This picture is from when our family went to a near by pond to have Easter sunrise worship.  Many things were unknown with Ensay's situation then, so we lifted him up for the power of His resurrection signified by this sunrise to shine on him with a touch of healing in his blood system.

WOW Report -- This is not new, but we're continuously WOWed by the community of friends bringing (quite delicious, I might add) food for us to eat from far places as well.  We're very much touched by all of your loving hearts (and hands).  Email messages of letting us know your are covering us with your prayers are very much strengthening us also.  WOW.

e@cyclosporin: Day 3-5 -- Bumpy Start

I'm not sure how the last two days passed by.  As a result of many factors at play -- Change of environment from the hospital room to home, Starting on Cyclosporin pills, and After effects from ATG treatment -- Ensay had a couple of miserable days and sleepless nights.  He was nauseated with some stomach aches (most likely due to constipation), at times with some headaches.  He was wondering why he was not still at the hospital when he is feeling so bad.  We told him that on Monday he can ask that same question to his doctor and in the mean time we will have to hang in there.  On Monday, the doctor pointed out that these side effects are most likely caused by ATG being active in his body and told him to take Magnesium citrate to relieve his stomach and happy to report it worked explosively well.  Since then he's been feeling much better and after day's rest he resumed the Cyclosporin tonight.

I am also happy report that the doctors are seeing some positive signs from the preliminary test results from Monday.  Please know that your prayers are at work here @ Kimfamily.org!

During the nights when Ensay could not really sleep due to discomforts, Young Joo (mostly) and I were up with him trying to help in any way possible, feeling so helpless because there really wasn't much we could do besides laying our hands on him and praying for the pains to be lifted.  While this was not a pleasant situation it nevertheless reminded of the days when he was a newborn keeping us (again, mostly Young Joo) up and night. The only difference then and now was, his method of communication.  Back then, he just cried and cried in incomprehensible words, but this time he was communicating his pain through his facial expressions and comprehensible words even mixing in his full emotions by crying out, "Help me!" (which he spoke in Korean, "살려주세요!" is more like saying "Save me!") while reaching out to hold my hand....

In today's reading in Psalm 32:3,7 I found these passages:

When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Lord will hide Ensay in His special place protecting his bones from wasting away.  He will surround him with songs of deliverance.  In fact, we are going to have some family praise time starting tomorrow.

e@cyclosporin: Day 2.1 -- Home & Family

Do you know when something so obvious becomes a reality?  I went through that experience today after Ensay and mom came home.  I realized our lovely home (the physical entity) is not complete without all the family members present.  For last eleven days or even with all the support from our community of friends filling in the rides and food duties, things seemed volatile around the home.  Merely hours after they came home, however, just having all of us here provided a sense of stability and wholesomeness to this place we call our home.

Much like the aplastic anemia where the imbalance in the body prohibits from generating the right blood cells, home without the whole family was unable to produce the right chemistry to sustain the balance.  In the busyness of taking care of many things during last eleven days I did not realize this until all of us were united again at this home.  Just like how our home restored its vibrancy, I continue to PRAY that Ensay's body will very soon normalize to produce healthy blood cells by striking the right balance.

The medication's side effects are much under control in Day Two, but he still cannot avoid the unpleasant feelings from taking the pills.  Overall, though, he continues to carry his positive attitude, soaking up the discomforts very well.  It is so good to have him back at home (especially on the Children's Day, in Korea which is May 5th of every year).

God encouraged me to carry on through today's reading from 2 Samuel 10:12 -- Be strong, and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God. The Lord will do what is good in his sight."  This is where David's army were up against a very strong opponent and the two generals are making a pact with each other.  Instead of focusing on "winning" the battle they focused on serving their people while trusting the outcome to God's leadership.  Our family is going to fight bravely while trusting God to do what is good in His sight.

Reflection:

Isn't this a cute picture my girl took of the mother duck, who visited our home, feeding (or kissing) her duckling?  Just a day after this duckling hatched it knows how to stay under its mom's care and protection.  I don't know what it is, but I am just awed by how all this is designed to work so well in this wild nature.  God, You sure did a fabulous job! :-)

e@cyclosporin: Day 2.0 -- Welcome Home

In short, Ensay came home today!

Going forward, he will be taking Cyclosporin from home and make frequent visits to the clinic for testing.

Today, as he took the Cyclosporin pills in two parts, he seems to be tolerating a lot better and actually ate a good amount of food when we got home.  It's so good to have him here especially in a significantly better mood than yesterday.  Again, thank you all for lifting him up in prayers to target the problematic areas which improved.

For now, this happy and grateful dad wanted to share this great news with you.  :-)

e@cyclosporin: Day 1.1 -- Strong Grip

When I finally got away from my office to visit Ensay around 8pm, my heart was very heavy to see him struggle so much with the side effects from starting on Cyclosporin.  I could see his quiet inner strength working over time to manage the huge discomfort inside of him -- nauseating plus stomach pains.  We got to chat a little and watched LA Lakers struggling along in one of their playoff games.  His second dose of Cyclosporin arrived and just watching him swallow those ginormous pills made my stomach to react a little!

After watching some more basketball and food channel (really mostly observing how he is coping with his discomforts) he vomited which relieved some of his discomforts but I could still sense turmoil inside.  As I was sitting next to him he reached out and held my hand and so I grabbed his in return with a strong grip then I also brought my other hand over to grab his hand together to let him know that I was there with him.  After a few minutes he, in almost a whispering voice, said to me, "Go home."  He was looking out for me because his sisters were at home by themselves.  If that weren't the case, I would have sat next to him all night holding on to his hand ... praying for him and letting him know how much I love him as my proud son; but I had to peel myself out of that room back home.

As I was holding his hand and praying in the darkened room, my mind flashed back about 10 years when my little boy's soft and cushiony hand would hold onto mine with a strong grip especially when he is scared.  I would hold his hand tightly back to give him assurance that I am with him and won't leave him.  This is a privilege God gave to all fathers and the sensation of that bonding between father and child is one of a kind in this universe.  It has been a few years, though, since we had such a moment as my son grew into a young man, taller and stronger than me.  However, tonight, God allowed us to re-connect in a very special way despite the miserable condition Ensay had to fight through.  I am so grateful for His being with us and assuring us that He is in full control with a mighty grip on us in the current situation.  In fact, this is the essence of His love displayed on the Cross for us symbolizing that His hand is stretched out to us so that when we reach out and grab His hand He won't let us go no matter what happens.

e@cyclosporin: Day 1.0

Ensay felt nauseated after taking the first dose this morning.  He is sleeping now but I am going to PRAY that he won't have much reactions to this new medication.  I look forward to seeing him laster this evening to cheer him up.

e@rest: Day of Rest

Today was a good day of rest without any IV or medication for Ensay, he looked rested with a lifted level of energy.  It was good to see him that way.

Tomorrow, the next phase of the treatment called Cyclosporin will begin while starting today the platelet transfusion was reduced.  The doctors will be monitoring closely how Ensay's bone marrow will increase production of "good" blood cells.

After visiting Ensay for a few hours tonight, I also feel rested just seeing this good-looking young man in good spirits.

In today's reading, the writer in Psalm 2:7-8 wrote:

"I will surely tell of the decree of the LORD:
He said to Me, 'You are My Son,
Today I have begotten You.
'Ask of Me, and I will surely give the nations as Your inheritance,
And the very ends of the earth as Your possession.

These are words for me and my family also, that the same God who considers us as His own to give the nations as inheritance and the very ends of the earth as our possession will grant the same to Ensay because we are asking of Him now.  We also trust that the healing in Ensay's blood system will be a part of this process.

e@atg: Day Five and Done

ATG treatment has been completed this afternoon!  We just passed one of the major milestones.  The doctor would like for Ensay to stay until the weekend in order for them to monitor the progress.  Cyclosporin (medication pill) treatment will start now which will be going on for an extended period.  This medication can affect his kidneys, liver, and raise his blood pressure so I will be PRAYING specifically for protection of his kidneys, liver and other organs during this phase of his treatment and also for his doctors to examine and analyze the results with wisdom and clear insights to further shepherd the treatment process.

Ensay walked around the building this evening to get some fresh air and to give his legs some exercise.  It was great to see him doing that.

From today's reading:  Matthew 19:26 -- And looking at them Jesus said to them, "With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

P.S.  Tomorrow (5/3/12) is the National Day of Prayer.

e@atg: Day Four at a Good Pace

It was an uneventful day and that is a good thing with everything going on.  The infusion at a slightly higher rate completed without any complications and Ensay is feeling well although a bit too quiet after we requested you to hold visitations. :-)  I cannot imagine what may be going through his mind and body but he is holding up very well like a real man.  (Did I tell you how proud I am of him, yet?)

I am PRAYING that Ensay's body will be protected while ATG is at work (i.e., lowering his immune system).  His mind will be filled with God's comforting Spirit who will commune with him throughout this process.

WOW Report -- I just realized that prayers for Ensay are coming from around the globe.  From the top of my head these are the locations (please comment here if I missed you):  Africa, Germany, Indonnesia, Japan, Korea, and (many of the) United States.  This means Ensay is being covered by prayers around the clock.  WOW.

e@atg: Day Three was Good

Please note:  Your prayer coverings made a huge difference for Ensay eliminating the initial reactions.  Although he is a bit weak he is doing well and so if you like to visit him please call or SMS Young Joo ahead (use the number you already have for her or, 650-242-5949) and stop by to cheer him up.

Ensay is handling the ATG treatment quite well and although the injection rate had been slowed down he is receiving the whole unit each day (except for day one) so things are looking good so far with the treatment.  With the SoCal trip and all I've only been able to make short visits and did not get to spend a lot of time with him but he seems a little down (could be the effect of the Benadryl) which is the overall scheme of things is totally understandable.

I PRAY that Ensay's spirit will continue to be uplifted and his heart will be filled with the peace that can only be filled by our Lord Jesus.

As I am reflecting on what's happened during last 1.5 months I really have to ask myself was this all for real?  I just cannot believe all this has and is happening to us but what's more unbelievable is that we are able to cope with and weather the turbulent storm without losing our minds.  At times God allows these storms in life that we cannot avoid for a special purpose but as I am writing this I'm still asking, "Was this really necessary?"

In today's reading, I ran across a guy named Obed-edom who also faced a situation he could not avoid and probably was asking the same question toward God.  When one of the Israelites was killed by God when he tried to uphold the ark which was about to tip over, everyone including David was filled with fear and decided abort the task of bringing in the ark into Jerusalem and instead leave it with Obed-edom.  Not exactly an honorable moment for him, however, God blessed him and all his household because they (somewhat reluctantly I'm sure) received the ark.  Somebody's always got to do the dirty job but when it is about receiving God's presence, then any dirty job will transform into a blessing of revealing His glory because God will never settle for anything less than that.

2 Samuel 6:10-11 --
10 And David was unwilling to move the ark of the LORD into the city of David with him; but David took it aside to the house of Obed-edom the Gittite.11 Thus the ark of the LORD remained in the house of Obed-edom the Gittite three months, and the LORD blessed Obed-edom and all his household.

It is not a walk in the park for the Kim Family here, but even with a bit of reluctance, we are committed to stay on course to receive God's presence in us through the "Wemail" (pronounced "wee-mail" which I just made up :-) messages He sends us through the Word because as we invite more of Him He will never settle for anything less than what He can and will do for us in the midst of our storms of life.

WOW Report -- Some of our friends have put together an extensive spreadsheet (google docs) for others to volunteer for food, rides for our children, etc.  Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed by such caring hearts even utilizing the high-tech.  WOW.

And today, I'd like to end with a story I started about a month ago about the mother duck visiting our front courtyard to lay her eggs.  Well, she hatched about 6+ ducklings.  I got to see them this year before they left.  Observing this process, I'm simply amazed (again) at God's design of bringing life into this world through a caring mother of a wild duck that arrived one day out of nowhere and then gone with the wind with her ducklings (but did not leave any thank you note).  How much more will that same God care for us?

e@atg: Day Two Looks Better

If you noticed how I sneaked in my SoCal trip with my girls in here and were thinking, "Wait a minute, this is not about Ensay," you are absolutely right.  However, when you experience the power of prayers from the loving community of believers like you I couldn't resist but to tap into it for our trip.  As I mentioned in the previous WOW Report your prayers already amazingly provided a tremendous support for Young Joo while I was away; and also granted the three of us a precious and smooth trip from start to finish.  This has been a confirmation that God is intimately with us through this chapter of our family.  Thank you for your partnership.

Day two for Ensay's treatment was a lot better.  The doctors suspended last night's treatment until this morning and although today's process took a significantly longer time to complete, there were no reactions to handle and Ensay felt much much better today.  I can't wait to see my lovely son tomorrow (we returned home at midnight so did not have a chance to see him today) to give him a high five!

Today, the author of Psalm 139 reminded me that God had formed Ensay's inward parts (bone marrow and all) and interwoven my son right inside his mother's womb.  What a comfort that is under the circumstances we are in because even though our most advanced practice of medicine cannot determine everything that's going on with Ensay's situation, our God knows it all exactly and He will search Ensay's heart, mind, and emotions to bring healing to lead him in everlasting way much beyond what we can imagine.  I am PRAYING for Ensay's physical comfort during this treatment and God has already been responding to that but He is not going to stop there but expand His coverage to the max -- everlastingly -- and that's a big WOW for the day!

Psalm 139:13, 23, 24 says:

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

e@atg: Day One, a Tough Beginning

Please note: During next 4-5 days please postpone your visitations.  We are so ever grateful for your concerns and wishing to stop by to cheer him up with prayers, but ATG treatment being what it is, we need to allow Ensay plenty of rest.

Before leaving for SoCal, I saw Ensay sleeping in his hospital bed this morning so I did not get to let him know in person that I will be thinking of him and praying for him as he starts on ATG treatment this afternoon.  While we were warned about a boat load of side effects from this treatment, I really hoped for a smooth start (and finish), however, his body reacted with hives and severe headache for them to pause the treatment.  Took some time to stabilize the reaction with hydracortisone and treatment resumed at a slower rate and that means each treatment will take much longer than 6 hours.

My aching heart reaches out to him from here in Souther California... along with his sisters.

God, please surround him with Your angels right now.  May his body relax, and his heart be filled with Your peace and comfort.  Please protect his organs.

Today's daily reading was about Jesus' statement in Matthew 15:11 -- It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man. I may be forcing an application from this passage but I PRAY that what enters into his blood system through ATG will not affect Ensay's firm standing and trust in God's word and His healing power ("out of his mouth").  This medication is making him miserable for sure, but please protect his physical and spiritual heart to be pure for You.


WOW Report -- Ensay's uncle, who is an MD from Minnesota flew in with a surprise visit this morning to personally encourage Ensay and to monitor how he was doing.  The timing of his visit could not have been better merely about an hour after I stopped by before heading down for SoCal leaving Young Joo alone to take care of Ensay through ATG treatment.  Although my brother-in-law will have to return tomorrow morning, I just praise God the provider (Jehovah Jireh) to meet our specific needs.  WOW!

e@atg: Objective

Some of you in the medical field may have a better explanation, but in laymen's term my understanding of ATG treatment is to remove or suppress the antibodies that are destroying the bone marrow allowing the body to normalize its generation of bone marrow.

We were told that ATG is a very strong medicine and will have many side effects and most likely to make Ensay feel pretty bad during the infusion.  I PRAY that during next 4-5 days, God's angels will minister to him so all the complications will diminish and Ensay will pass this first gate without any excitements.  I will be away on the road the first two days so I also PRAY for Young Joo to manage the situation without much stress and anxiety.

The PICC Line is to have a direct pipeline to his heart to inject medicine or draw blood without having to "poke" him every time.

Psalm 142:7 -- Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.

Dear God, just like this Psalmist's desire, please set Ensay free from his prison (whatever that may be) that he may praise Your name along with many witnesses for Your goodness.

WOW Report -- already several of you visited Ensay at LPCH and brought more food for our family.  We are praising God for how blessing us through you all.

e@atg: Step One

The bone marrow matching test came out negative for both Ensay's sisters.  So we are taking the next treatment path of ATG (Antithymocyte Globulin) starting tomorrow.  This afternoon, PICC Line was inserted to allow IV treatments and blood drawing easier for Ensay.  I observed this process while I tagged-teamed with Young Joo and it was an involved process of inserting a fine tube in his vein.  Ensay was so calm and tolerant of some pains involved in the process, I felt so proud of being there in front of the practitioners to watch him take it like a man.

I will follow up with more details later but the doctor did not want to delay the treatment especially after observing some of the hemorrhages mentioned previously.

I PRAY that ATG treatment will restore the balance in his bone marrow to start producing healthy blood cells again.  It will take several months to observe the effectiveness of this treatment, but we are going to surrender that part into God's hand.

e@hospital stay again: We're in Good Hands

The doctor discovered through the CT scan, small cerebral hemorrhages in several places, not just in one location.  Although they were not critical the doctor took the step to admit Ensay into hospital so they could sustain high level of platelets and hemoglobin cells.  When I visited him today, he looked a lot better and petechiae diminished noticeably.  I am giving total praise to God for all of your prayer covering over Ensay from around the world for allowing his doctor to make the laser-sharp decision to take the right actions before things got out of control (don't even want to think about the otherwise).  We are constantly receiving email messages, IMs, and phone calls from our friends (you) letting us know that they are praying for Ensay and our family.  Thank you for allowing us to experience God's miraculous power; and something tells me this is just a beginning.

In the midst of all this Hannah, my oldest, and I already made a plan to drive down and back this Saturday through Sunday to Southern California for her to participate in VOCE cello competition and since Ensay and mom may still be at the hospital, both of my daughters and I may go on this trip together.  I PRAY that we would have a wonderful time on this very quick in-n-out trip while Ensay will continue to strengthen.

From today's reading, Matthew 13:23 -- But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. -- God taught me how to pray for situation, as we wait for bone marrow matching results and subsequent treatment procedures, to ask for our hearts to become like the "good soil" so whichever course we take from here on that our hearts will harbor His words to produce multiplication of fruits according to His will.  Another insight from this parable is that God's miraculous power may seem only powerful 25% of the times until our good and fertile hearts begin to bring forth the abundant fruits to cover even the rest of the 75% to completely cover us all and then some.

WOW Report -- Tongue in cheek, I feel like our friends are "fighting" to help us by delivering us food and other goodies.  It is just amazing how precious all of your loving & caring hands are, touching us at the deepest parts of us very warmly.

e@prognosis: CT Scan #2

It was pretty rough night for Ensay as he had a terrible headache, some fever, nauseating, and vomiting throughout the night.  Today after getting his regular transfusion of RBC the doctor wanted to do a CT scan just to make sure there is no internal bleeding in his brain.  That was about 5:30pm when I got a call from my wife that a minor hemorrhage was detected but nothing urgent.  However the doctor wanted Ensay to check into the hospital so they may monitor him closely to keep the platelet and hemoglobin levels high.  A couple of days ago he complained about seeing a blurry spot in one of his eyes and so after seeing an eye doctor he confirmed a minor hemorrhage behind retina but this should clear up fairly soon.  The super-low levels of platelets is causing these anomalies and that's why the doctors wanted him to stay at the hospital.

So, Ensay and his mom are at the room next door to where he was last time at the Lucile Packard Children's Hospital and most likely will be there for a couple of days.

I am wondering why God's miracles don't come at God speed?  Then I realized God makes no mistakes so we must be on God speed right now and just like how Jesus took extra days before arriving to raise Lazarus out of the "stinking" tomb to glorify Himself, He must be doing that in our situation, too.  A part of me as I write this is thinking that I am just trying to comfort myself while the other half is saying please take my mustard seed faith of struggling to follow Your "narrow" ways and transform into magnifying Your power and glory.  Is this what You've been telling us about how Ensay's life will be used to lift You up?  May it be so.

This morning, thank You, God for speaking to both me and my wife through the exact same passage out of 1 Samuel 30:19 where after David and his 200 valiant warriors were crushed by finding out the Amalekites had captured all of their family members and live stocks, they sought after them by receiving God's approval.  And after catching up to them and defeating them they had restored everything without losing anything.  The passage says:

But nothing of theirs was missing, whether small or great, sons or daughters, spoil or anything that they had taken for themselves; David brought it all back.

We are both certain God had prepared our hearts for what we found out later in the day; but it doesn't end there.  He wanted to tell us that even though we seem to hit a set back, He is not going to lose anything and instead He is going to bring it all back (again to display His wonderful glory).

I PRAY that Ensay's heart will be protected from any discouragements and keeps planting his Hope in God's strength, and for the hemorrhage to stop and dissipate quickly without causing any issues.

P.S.  A close friend sent this passage, Ecclesiastes 3:25 -- The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; (NIV).

e@prognosis: Make Room for Miracle Maker

By definition, miracle begins when we are at end of our own ways and efforts; otherwise it is not a miracle but our own solution.  As the whole family is about to go in for a bone marrow compatibility testing this afternoon (the results will come out about a week later) to see if one of the members (mostly the siblings) is a matching bone marrow donor for Ensay, we are PRAYING for a miracle to take place, first because there really is nothing we can do to increase the odds, and second because we are at the end of our ropes as far as what we can do to beyond this process other than resorting to a less probable medication treatment and finally to look for an outside-family matching donor.

Last Sunday's sermon message from our pastor was on "Making Room for God's Miracles."  It was a timely message for us because we could so easily get bogged down on the details of the procedures and options we have to deal with, we just might squeeze out God factors.  So with that reminder we are making room for His appearance, if not in the matching donor, then in any other way God chooses to show Himself in -- go ahead and surprise us, Heavenly Father!

In the midst of all this, I have to also say that we already experienced God's miracles through the hands of our loved friends from the community. These miracles almost got squeezed out in the busy-ness of everything going on but yesterday's daily reading of the word had the following passage:

And whoever in the name of a disciple gives to one of these little ones even a cup of cold water to drink, truly I say to you, he shall not lose his reward." (Matthew 10:42)


This immediately reminded me of all the precious and caring hands from our friends and family supporting us in so many ways (prayer, email, texting, phone calls, hugs, dropping off delicious food, etc., which is definitely more than a cup of cold water!)

We are so very grateful for all of your walking this journey with us.

e@out patient: To Know or Not To Know

This posting comes with a delay not necessarily because I was busy (not to mention getting knocked out for a few days with a coughing cold) but because I needed some time to collect my thoughts first.  Too much has happened in last five weeks and with the latest biopsy we have come to a closure with the diagnosis.  Before this point, we were all anxious to find out what the root cause was and yet after finding out the diagnosis of severe aplastic anemia, one has to wonder which is worse -- not knowing or knowing what it is.  I do admit how deceitful, wicked, and opportunistic my mind is.

The doctors explained the treatment options and although they are confident to find the complete cure, the process itself for Ensay will mean a major change of lifestyle for a significant period and, as his dad, to ponder what may be going through his mind now and will then stirs my emotion wishing if there was a way to go through this in place of him I'd jump on that opportunity in a blink of an eye.  Did I tell you how proud I am of my son, to see him unwaveringly taking this rough ride while fixated on the goodness of God?

God comforted us through the daily Word from Psalm 34: 18: The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. 20: He keeps all his bones, Not one of them is broken. In light of one of the foremost treatments being the bone marrow transplant, can there be a better message from God than verse 20?  Not to mention the verse 18 which I had been treasuring for many years because every time I read it, I get a rush of His refreshing strength being transfused into my life stream; and this time was no exception to lift me up above the situation I'm in into rejoicing Him for who He is, bigger than any brokenhearted or spirit-crushing obstacles I may face.

WOW Report -- Many of you are continuously supporting and encouraging us with prayers, phone calls, emails, and dropping by with goodies.  If anyone tells you there are no miracles these days, tell them they are wrong because all of your caring touches miraculously transformed into extension of God's hand for our family. We would not be where we are today without you all.  We love you all!